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My time to do this (the right way)

Discussion in 'Fitness Journals' started by fitforever10, Nov 29, 2010.

  1. fitforever10

    fitforever10 Active Member

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    I just have a difficult time being single. I feel lonely at times, and depressed about it. Unfortunately I don't have any single friends I can relate to either, they are all in relationships. I go out with friends and stuff but that doesn't help it.

    Unfortunately, in my case, food (especially high carb foods) fills that void for me. I have been doing better with controlling the binges, but I have days like today that I just say screw it and I eat to feel better. I could stop myself if I really wanted too, but I can't find anything else to "fill" that void besides food yet. I feel like doing nothing would be the worse thing, so that's usually why I just tell myself to "eat".

    So I need to find something else to make me feel better besides food. Music, games, buying myself things temporarily last for an hour or two, where as a binge usually lasts me a day, then I feel bad about it for a few more days, in which it leads to a cycle that I'm essentially "challenging" myself yet feeling like crap in the end. Does that make sense? :(
     
  2. Kevbo79

    Kevbo79 Active Member

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    yeah man, makes sense... Sorry to tell you bud, but you're not much different than most people. We all deal with emotional stuff and find different ways to cope with it at different times. Buying stuff, eating, listening to music, watching movies, all that stuff is comfort stuff, we all do it. You're not odd, so stop thinking that.

    I ate half an extra large pizza yesterday, and loved it! ha. I also ate a bunch of icecream on Friday. You know what, it probably set me back a bit, but whatever dude. I go to the gym 6 or 7 days a week, I think I'm allowed to do that. So, keep yourself active enough and don't feel guilty all the time, it's kind of unproductive. Don't tell yourself it's ok to be less than your best, but also don't feel guilty, guilt doesn't help.

    You seem like a good guy, keep up the work and try reading books on self esteem and things like that. They do help. Nobody is perfect and everyone, I mean Everyone deals with insecurities. We all have different ones, but we all have them.
     
  3. fitforever10

    fitforever10 Active Member

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    Well last night was one of the worst nights I've experienced in a long time. I "went" to bed at 9pm and probably did not fall asleep till 2am or so. I basically was extremely tired, exhausted, felt dazed out, confused...but I was just not falling asleep. I almost felt like I was on drugs or something (serious). I remember I was given drugs for a medical procedure I had a few years ago and the way I felt on those was exactly the same I felt last night. Pretty much I've been on a low carb diet (I'm eating about 20g or less per day), and then I go out and binge on two pints of ice cream and a whole box of 18 cookies in one sitting. That is a pretty lethal combo as I encountered.

    Today I woke up, and let's just say the show was not pretty. Pretty reminiscent of an alcohol hangover, I'll leave it at that. Not to mention my digestive system unleashed the hell of a thousand gods. I was dizzy and had a horrible headache. When I woke up I felt like curling up in a ball and not waking up because of how sickly I felt. I could barely even get out of bed because of how sluggish I felt.

    Truth be told, I didn't feel alright until I ate my normal low carb breakfast of eggs, bacon, and cheese. Now it's lunchtime and I finished off a salad with tuna, cheese, walnuts, mayo and feel mostly normal but still a little dazed. Been pounding water down and going to the RR a lot.

    And truth be told..I would love to eat ice cream again today to help me feel better but that **** is not going to solve my problems. It'll solve it for today but I'll have to face the same issues tomorrow no matter what.
     
    #63 fitforever10, Dec 20, 2010
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2010
  4. fitforever10

    fitforever10 Active Member

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    Well I don't know what has happened. Okay, I take that back..actually, I do. Ever since my awful binge my mindset has gone to hell yet I actually feel comfortable again. All I know is I need to be honest with myself and everyone else. No one will be pleased to hear this nor am I happy to admit it but I feel like I have no other choice.

    At this point all I want to do is eat 1,500 cals per day and do 45 minute cardio a day. Yesterday I ate 1,200 calories and today was 1,000. With Christmas coming up I know over-indulgence is on the horizon so I may as well start banking calories to be safe, that way my calories even out at the end of the week.

    I'll also mention I went to buy some new jeans today and was disgusted with what I saw in the mirror. I was seriously picking at my fat sides and my back. Who am I kidding anymore? I look horrible. The truth of the matter is I never truly felt comfortable at 170 and always wanted to lose those last 10 pounds which I feel like I have to do now. I am extremely dis-proportioned. Even though I am 170 pounds, it is 170 pounds of pure lard, fat, and no muscle. That would explain why I look the way I do. I might look good in clothes, be underneath it's a nightmare. I wish I had alternate ways to deal with my issues besides food. I blame myself entirely but when food is the only thing that works, what else can I do. I am just going to take some time to recoup. I'll update this diary.......in due time. I would say sorry but I have no one I am letting down except myself.

    ****. I feel like **** now.
     
    #64 fitforever10, Dec 21, 2010
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2010
  5. fitforever10

    fitforever10 Active Member

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    Well it has been two days since my last post. As you saw last time I was in a bad situation and I am not happy with that.

    Yesterday was pure hell. I had cravings again for ice cream, at work they passed out cookies and truffles so I had some. I came home and I felt like curling up because of how difficult the cravings were to fight. But I just hung in there and dealt with it. I told myself to do it because food won't make me feel better. I ended the day with 1,900 calories and surprising no binge.

    This morning was awful. I hate breakfast and was STUFFED..but the cravings came back. I tried so hard to deal with it and I lost it..I started to eat cheese, walnuts (of course counting calories). By 11am (two hours ago) I was already at 2,200 calories for the day. Of course the cravings did not stop so I finally said **** it..I went to the gym and hit cardio for 45 minutes, so hopefully I will have no excess calories for the day. I feel better for now.

    Unfortunately I cannot find anything to combat the cravings besides cardio. And the gym is not open 24/7 nor do I have energy to go every single time a craving hits. So I have tried to find alternate ways to fight it...I've tried to go out with friends, play a game, listen to music, feed the craving itself (which is flatout the last resort and I always try to avoid that). None of the above work. :(
     
  6. fitforever10

    fitforever10 Active Member

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    Today was another gorge fest, although it was all controlled and I let myself do it (thus no guilt). I'm pretty much just going to take a break till Christmas is over, so hopefully beginning Sunday I'll begin to post "better" updates. Unfortunately one "danger" of low carbing is once you get those carbs in your system..especially "simple" carbs like chocolate and ice cream...you will begin fighting a nuclear war within your body. Well, at least I do. :o

    I'm really looking forward to the end of this year. I have no doubt that this has been the worst year of my entire life. I mean that with all my heart. This entire year has been a sad, sad waste of life. There were times I looked back and hoped it would end but I know that's an awful thing to say. God has given me this life to live and I have officially wasted a year of it. I will never, ever get that back either. I've spent this whole year dieting throughout the week, and then binging on the weekends. I've missed out on so many social, family, dating opportunities. It is extremely sad. I am determined to reverse the tables though, and I'm ready to do it now.

    Deep down inside of me, there's something that lurks to just pull through and do this. The other night I stood in front of the mirror and looked at myself dead in the eyes. I saw something that made me extremely emotional and brought on some minor tears. I saw a man who was punishing himself. Someone who was abusing his body and not happy with himself. Someone that thinks he's a failure, worthless, fat, out of shape. So I abuse myself with excessive amounts of food to punish myself. Today was the same reason I binged, to punish myself. But this can't go on anymore. It's unhealthy, and it's a terrible cycle. I have to begin to appreciate myself, because if I don't..no one else will.

    With that being said..Merry Christmas ;) and now I am emotional of course.
     
    #66 fitforever10, Dec 24, 2010
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2010
  7. ianmez

    ianmez Well-Known Member

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    Merry Christmas to you, too.

    You're going to have ups and downs. Maybe you could give some thought to continuing to lift, whether you do cardio or not, and whether your eating is on track or not.

    A few times you've mentioned just wanting to lose these last ten pounds, and I was wondering whether you'd want to have your bodyfat tested. Then you could figure out what your bodyfat % would need to be at the weight you wanted. I feel like the goal of "just those last ten pounds" is like making a fake promise to yourself. Even if you do lose ten pounds, you'll probably look and feel no different than how you do now. So what I'm suggesting is that you figure out what you want to look like, and then figure out what bodyfat % and weight that would be. Then you can see where you are now and make a plan to get there.

    You've made progress in a lot of ways since you've started posting here, even if you're not feeling good about yourself. Enjoy the holiday. Keep working out. Keep making progress on the habits that are setting you back. 2011 can be a better year.
     
  8. fitforever10

    fitforever10 Active Member

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    What I am doing to myself has no excuses and is simply a form of self punishment. I consumed probably 8,000 calories yesterday and probably gained 2 lbs of fat this week. I feel like it's nearly impossible for me to lose weight and I am destined to get fat. There is no joke about it..the scale is creeping up and is not going down. I mean, you can work so hard for a week then on one day you can blow it. How the hell do you lose weight with having a social life?

    My binging is mainly due to me not being happy with myself, and the big one is lonliness. I'm happy when I'm around others and family, but when I'm home by myself in my apartment I hate myself. When I get in those situations my body starts to crave food, I then either fight it off (which I can do) or I can eat. If I fight it off, the cravings keep coming back until I finally give in. It's a lose lose situation. At this point I'm going to ask should I just deal with it? Deal with cravings and eventually pray they'll stop?

    At times I wish I could resort to my old ways which was 1,200 calories with 2 hrs of cardio a day. I was dropping weight crazy, even though it was probably not healthy. I pretty much plan on denying all invitations to any events for the entire month of January so I can spend it in a calorie deficit and exercising five to six times per week.

    I weighed myself yesterday morning and I was 173..then I stepped on the scale that night..183. I almost cried. A 10 lb jump on the scale..even though it's not fat I bet some of it is (3 or 4 lbs of fat gain in two days). I even said I prayer last night asking God to please help me out and give me strength to get through this.
     
  9. Kevbo79

    Kevbo79 Active Member

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    Hey buddy, I hope you're doing alright.

    I suggest that maybe you go see a counselor or therapist. You are not feeling good about yourself and it sounds like you are having troubles figuring things out. Talking on here is good in some aspects but it is not a solution or replacement for proper help. Working out, exercise and diet is not the cure all for being sad or feeling bad about yourself. It will help probably more than anything else out there, but you need to work on the mental aspect of finding your happiness.

    I can assure you that by losing weight it will not make you happy. You need to take time and deal with other aspects of your life that are making you feel the way you do, and talking on here isn't going to help you to figure it all out. Also, just using this forum as a sounding board to talk about your repeating issues and talk badly about yourself is unproductive as well. We all want to help you as much as we can, but we're not here to repeatedly tell you everything is going to be ok.

    You are talking about your issues, which is the first step to solving them, but you need to actively do something to make yourself happy as well. You need consider changing your vocabulary about yourself, the way you talk about yourself will determine the way you feel about yourself. If you continue to talk to yourself in a bad and self destructive manner, you will continue to feel that way. You need to take a step back and look at yourself in a caring way and treat yourself with the same or more respect than you would treat other people that you care about.

    Do yourself a favor and look past the weight and physical aspect. Your body size, your weight, your body issues and your eating habits are not the problem, they are a symptom and result of your problems.

    Everyone is here to help as much as they can, but it is just a forum, not a substitute for proper help.

    Take care of yourself
     
  10. fitforever10

    fitforever10 Active Member

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    I would love to say you're wrong with the counseling thing but unfortunately I think you are onto something. I am not saying what you said is wrong, but I actually was in counseling for a while (4 months) and I found it just caused more stress in my life than it helped. So I've already made a promise to myself to not let this happen again, and I am really going to try to begin shifting my mindset. Who knows at this point. All I know is come the end of the week, if things aren't better, I'll be taking your suggestion into huge consideration. No way will I let 2011 end up like this.
     
  11. sevenatenine

    sevenatenine Active Member

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    Excellent post kevbo! I agree with everything 100% except for maybe the counseling thing, but I have always been a person who does it all on my own and never considered stuff like that and depending on the person it may be a good idea too.

    A 10lb weight gain from am-pm over a holiday is nothing. On a normal day I gain 5+lbs from am-pm. You really need to relax and keep things in perspective, it seems your emotional hair trigger is trying to destroy you. Obviously your will power is stronger because you have made amazing progress, but if you don't sort out that emotional hair trigger you have it will end up destroying everything you have worked so hard for.

    I hope this didn't completely consume you and you had an otherwise Merry Christmas!
     
  12. Kevbo79

    Kevbo79 Active Member

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    Hey, you know there are good and bad therapists. You don't want to get involved in something that is going to cause you more stress in your life, that's not going to help. Getting a referral from a friend or relative that's been to a good therapist might be a better idea than blindly going to one, or see someone for 1 visit and see if you get along with the person and agree with their outlook on life. Everyone is different, including therapists, so it does matter who you see. Only see someone that you like.

    I've seen a therapist at different points in my life, usually at breaking points where I need to make a change in my life or I'll go crazy. I've seen someone for a few months, then not seen anyone for a few years, then if I feel like I'm stuck again I go back. It's not a permanent thing, just if and when you need it. I have to thank my therapist for helping me get out of a horrible job, even though I made a ton of money there, and a horrible relationship. From talking to a therapist it actually helped me find financial freedom. I followed another path than I was taking and was able to build and change my financial life. Not exactly what I expected to happen, but it did. So unexpected and good things can come of it, if you talk with the right people.

    You may want to start by taking a walk through your local book store. Maybe grab a coffee and check out some books that you think might help and that you would enjoy reading. Read the introduction or first chapter and see if it can help where you're at, then buy and read the books you like. The reading doesn't have to be heavy or boring, there are good and interesting easy read books out there. Even if you just pick up a few things from a book, it's something. Keep on the path to figuring things out and use a therapist when necessary, but only one that you trust, like and agree with.

    Again, good luck
     
  13. Kevbo79

    Kevbo79 Active Member

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    P.S... thanks sevanatenine!!
     
  14. fitforever10

    fitforever10 Active Member

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    I agree with what you both said. I fully realize that my diet, food intake, calories, exercise, and weight have absolutely nothing to do with my problems. They are a result OF my problems, not the CAUSE of the problems. If they were the cause, you'd think I'd be a little bit better by now. As you can see, that's not the case. I know that much. My problems have to deal with the following - being single, loneliness, not being happy with myself, and a lack of self esteem. This all initially started with a bad relationship though. That's where it ALL started, a bad relationship over a year ago. You'd also think after a year I'd get over it but it still eats me up to this day. Pretty much once the relationship ended, I felt worthless, and like I was doomed to fail in life. I felt like I screwed up everything I had. It was at that point that I really began to snap, starve myself down in weight, and then mindlessly began to binge eat. I would eat and eat and never realize I did it nor could I even taste the food.

    Fortunately, I can say that it's going to come down to me facing these problems on a day to day basis for now on. I tend to do "good" for a few days then I end up overeating. Last night I prayed to God that beginning immediately I would pray in the morning and at night for my problems. Even if a week passes by and I'm binge free, I'll still continue to pray. I feel like this can really help me out because it's going to make me aware of my problems on a day to day basis. Usually I'll focus on my problems for a day or two, or maybe three. I let the week run it's course, and then relapse. About a month ago I realized why I was binge eating. Once I realized it, I began to have more control. I could put down food if I began to overate. I could taste what I was eating. I no longer can consider myself a binge eater, but I consider myself more of an emotional eater. I can stop myself if I wanted to, and I can certainly taste what I'm eating. I know why I am doing it. Most bingers just phase out and can't stop. I'm at the point I can (case in point - I ate two cliff bars yesterday when I was bored and then just stopped. I just don't have any other way to deal with the cravings. So I stay home, play a game with cravings, and finally say screw it and eat. I've tried listening to music, cardio, etc. It's all temporary till tomorrow comes.

    I'm going to try to start getting out of my weekly routine. Work is a given, but I need to plan more things on the weekend. Going to movies or the mall for example. These are things I can do alone. At this point in my life, it's probably best for me to start doing things by myself. I have such an awful relationship with me, I feel like I can certainly go out and enjoy things by myself. Don't get me wrong, I love going to bars, clubs, and things like that with friends. I go as much as I can. But that might be a problem, I'm relying on "others" to have a good time instead of myself.

    With this all being said, how can I keep this mindset on a day to day basis? That's my question at this point. How do I keep this mindset so I don't fall into the pit of overeating ever again. I would like to first begin with prayer on a morning and nightly basis, everyday. This could help in making me feel better, and "letting it out" instead of holding it in. Perhaps that's the problem - I need to let it out. I'm holding my fears and anxiety in way too much. Eventually once the week ends, all that anxiety is at the top of my head and the flood gates open.

    And I do feel like I've made some progress. It doesn't take a genius to see this thread has gone to getting in shape to discussing the real problems.
     
    #74 fitforever10, Dec 27, 2010
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2010
  15. Kevbo79

    Kevbo79 Active Member

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    Prayer is good for many reasons, so keep it up as long as you need it. Kinda like you mentioned, it's best to keep doing the things that work for you, even when it seems like things are good. So pray even when you feel great, you can be thankful with how good you feel and pray to keep feeling that way and pray to be strong.

    In regards to keeping the good motivated mindset everyday, all of the time, you need to continuously work on that. It does not happen overnight and it takes a continuous effort throughout your life. You need to decide what your priorities are in life and continue to do the things that make you feel good about yourself while avoiding the things that make you feel bad or guilty. I heard a quote once that said something like "we sacrifice the things we want most in life for the things we want now". I try to remember that when it comes to my health or money or anything else important to me.

    I've been working out for 10 yrs, with some time off in between, and I still have to work on improving my diet and routines and workouts and keep myself motivated. It has taken until now to be in the most control of my life. It is a constant effort, but it gets easier over time.

    Just prioritize. Maybe make a list of what will ultimately make you happy and a list of the things that make you unhappy and take away from your ultimate happiness. When you go to do the things that you know make you ultimately unhappy, remember the things you really want in life.

    You should also find substitutes for you bad addictions. When I quit smoking I allowed myself to eat junk food, sleep in, spend money, etc. until I had the quitting smoking under control, then when I had it under control I worked on dropping those other habits.

    Your habit is eating junk food and binging. You should first find healthier options if you are going to eat a lot. If you're in the no/low carb mindset, eat things like beef jerky, pepperoni, even broccoli with ranch dip, etc. etc. You'll feel full sooner and your body will process it better than carbs. Also, keep the weight training in your routine. I can't emphasize enough how important that is. It is more important than cardio if you're concerned with the way you look.

    What will naturally happen is that you will begin to binge less because you don't want to hamper your physical gains and effort. A simple thing you can do is start by working out for an hour a day, every day. Have 4 days be weight training and 3 days cardio, or if you need to take a day off drop one of the cardio sessions.

    This is working on the physical aspect and keeping your body in check so that it won't cause you more emotional issues. If the way your body looks bothers you, you fix it. If something else in your life bothers you, you fix that too. Unless you have some serious handicap, you can change any aspect of yourself or life.

    Read a motivational book if you need to. If you don't like self help kinda stuff, read a motivational book. It's a little different and it's not about sitting around thinking you've got issues, they give you things you can do now to make you feel better and motivated.

    P.S most people need to hit rock bottom before they open their eyes and make serious changes in their lives. Most successful people got to where they are after hitting these points and never wanting to be there again, kinda like John Stone's story here
     
  16. fitforever10

    fitforever10 Active Member

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    Well it is Thursday and I have still pushed through. No binging this week...thank God. I have taken some crucial steps this week to overcoming this problem. The biggest has been my outlook. I am going around work, being happier, saying hello to whoever I can, being frinedly, and making myself feel good. Secondly, prayer and admittance to why I'm binging on a day to day basis. I pray for a good day, and end with saying "I binge eat because of this this and that. Remind me this throughout the day".

    I have only hit the gym up once this week, but at this point, the binging is the number one focus. 2011 is around the corner and I am determined to make sure that this year is the year I rebound and come back. I have a gut feeling that this time I am doing things right.
     
  17. fitforever10

    fitforever10 Active Member

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    Happy New Year (almost)!

    In about six hours, it'll be a new beginning, a new day, a new year. Looking back, this whole year has been awful for me. I can count the number of good things on my right hand, while it would probably take a football stadium filled with over 70,000 fans to count the bad. Alright, not really, it wasn't THAT bad - but you get the point. :D

    All jokes and pity aside, it's no joke that 2010 has been a rough year for me. It's been really tough, actually. But I look forward to waking up tomorrow as a new person with a new outlook on my life in general. This isn't one of those "new year resolution" type deals either. You know, the one where you say you'll do "this or that", do good for a week, then you find yourself promising the same thing come the end of the year. I am serious about putting the past where it belongs. I will not let what was happened this past year happen in 2011. That is my personal guarantee.

    I have taken some huge steps as of late to overcoming some of the problems I have. I can tell you things are changing, but it won't change overnight. I'm going out tonight and having fun with my friends, and I'm bringing the New Year in with good spirits and most importantly God..that is what has been a huge motivating factor for me this past week.

    I am at the point in my life where I am going to start focusing on myself. I am going to start to motivate myself with the things that make me. Things I enjoy doing, my interests, me as an overall person. It's time to quit comparing myself to others, saying I wish I was like this, or wish I was like that. I'm fully aware of what has basically torn me apart this past year and has dragged me down to the state I'm in. I'm reminding myself of someone who's fallen to the bottom of a pit with no way out. No light, nothing to hold onto, nothing - nada. But I feel like I've gotten to the point where I'm going to crawl out using my own two hands because in the end, all I have to rely on IS myself.

    This isn't just directed towards anyone reading, it's directed towards me. It's my personal vouch and promise to myself for 2011.

    Here's to a good upcoming year. :claplow:
     
    #77 fitforever10, Dec 31, 2010
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2010
  18. Laneage

    Laneage Well-Known Member

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    I just caught up in your journal and Kevbo has said some things that are very insightful and helpful. Thanks Kevbo.

    I really think you need to get yourself on a roll. Make 14 days of no binging. On that 15th day I bet you think a little longer about the next "might be" binge. If you do, oh well. Get on another roll and maybe you get to 3 weeks. John Stone talks about momentum alot in his blog posts and hes telling the truth. Sometimes it can really carry you through some rough times!

    I wish you a blessed 2011!
     
  19. fitforever10

    fitforever10 Active Member

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    I did not do any messing around. The gym was closed yesterday but I went out for 3 mile walk. I also stuck to my diet as well. I'm going to the gym today as it's open. And I think you're right, 14 days no binging sounds doable. I'm getting back on track with ALL my routine now.

    I won't let this happen. Not this year.
     
  20. fitforever10

    fitforever10 Active Member

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    Day 3 down, dead on my diet plan, good workouts. By now, everyone should know the plan I am following (as posted at the start of this thread), so I'll come here to check in and post updates. :D
     

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