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Justitia's Recovery thread...if a 58 year old woman can do it... so can you!

Discussion in 'Fitness Journals' started by Justitia, Jul 5, 2006.

  1. Justitia

    Justitia Elite Member
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    I went to bed at midnight last night as planned but woke up at 5:00 AM and could not get back to sleep until after 7:00 AM and then I slept until 11:00 AM.

    I don't know what's wrong with my sleep patterns.

    I did my cardio but by the late afternoon it was Snowing!! here and on the weekends if I want to do weights I have to drive over half an hour to another gym. And given I felt so off.. and DOMS were killing me... despite taking AT's ETS (though I forgot to take it the night of my first workout .. and that is the most important time for it to have its maximum affect..) I decided not to push and drive in the snow (my front tires are also almost bald and they were supposed to be replaced on Friday but the shop got behind schedule.)
    Anyway, I think it was fine. Don't want to push too hard first time back after 3 mos.

    Night all.... :)

    SO 6 days of fasted cardio in a row. and my first weight workout in 3 mos. That's a pretty good start... :nod:
     
  2. Justitia

    Justitia Elite Member
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    I went to bed shortly after midnight last night and for the first time in a long time slept through the night. I woke up at 9:00AM -- also the first time in a while before the hour of noon.

    I felt great. I could not get myself to sot down and work though until around 2:00 PM. I did cardio before but now it is 3:00 Am and I stopped around 2:00 AM. I worked 12 hours pretty much straight. I was going through the students final grades to check for errors in recording etc., making some adjustments. I had spent all day Friday doing it and I just spent 12 hours completing it.

    SO I screwed up another day re: sleep. I also screwed up re: food. I went on a chocolate cake binge. A new supermarket opened up on my plaza -- too easy to give into temptation, -- particularly when I have grueling work like today. I have more to do more: grades in the AM. My real teaching for the spring starts tomorrow.

    I taught last week but that was just an introduction. This week I have individual conferences with my seminar students to make sure they get off on the right foot to get their papers underway. I don't allow incompletes but I never have had to fail anyone. I stay on top of the students all through the semester, making sure they do not get stuck at all the sticking places there are. I teach them tricks for writing papers and getting over hurdles. And I teach them how to find topics they want to write about... I am extremely flexible as to what they can write on because it is so important that they write on something they are interested in.

    Though technically it is supposed to be related to business law... I tell them as long as we can figure out a way to get it connected to money, I think that justifies it as about business.

    SO students come up with really interesting topics. I had have had papers on the black market for organs (did you know that in China, when they condemn a criminal to execution, they do not execute the individual until there is a demand for his or her organs. China is a major supplier of organs.) I have had papers on money laundering, antitrust issues in sports: NFL, Baseball, etc. School vouchers, illegal file-sharing and downloading of music.

    It is really quite remarkable... students get to write about what they are interested in, they learn how to write from me and they present their papers to the class who read outline versions of it in advance with prepared questions so there is a great classroom discussion going on. The students learn how to be scholars and learn how it can be fun. I always hope they can take these skills away with them to use for the rest of their lives.

    PGC and I... I don't know... we are at a cross roads.... we've been heading here for awhile. Though I blame him, I think it is really my fault. The truth is that he is not the man I want to be with. I want hi to be, so much and I try,... but he is who he is,.. and I am (stupidly so) angry with him for that, for having qualities I really cherish and then having other qualities I can't live with. He has tried to change. He can't enough. Andi am angry about that and I am inappropriately angry with him. He does not deserve it. He is a good and kind and gentle man. He has his issues, we all do. I cannot handle them. And I am making myself into someone he can't handle any more. I am going to miss him when we finally end it. I am scared, I have been so wrapped up i=with him for 9 months now. And now, when it ends, I go back to being alone. I don't want it to end. But it is for the wrong reasons.

    :(
     
  3. Happy Monster

    Happy Monster Well-Known Member

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    I'm glad you get a lot of the papers done and that your students learned the joys of writing about something they are interested in. That is one of the most important things when writing, so I am pleased you are using that aspect in your teaching. :nod:

    I'm sorry to hear about the problems with your PGC. :( I do think from what you have said that he and you can't change enough to meet each other's ideas about a partner. Which is a real shame..

    Just remember, that we will all be here to pick you up when you are down if you break up. You are not alone!
     
  4. iceweaselsarecool

    iceweaselsarecool Well-Known Member

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    Hey J, a cream and protein shake is soporific. Also, try going to bed when you should, and if you can't sleep reading or listening to the radio in bed. Then, force yourself to get up at the appropriate time in the AM, so that you're tired by the time you should be asleep the next night. I guess this is all fairly obvious...:o
     
  5. Seltzer

    Seltzer Elite Member

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    Justitia, don't dwell on the poor decisions of yesterday. They're done and there's nothing you can do to alter what happened. The important take away is to not let a couple of less than ideal decisions start snowballing into additional ones. I know you know this; I'm just reinforcing it. And lamely trying to add something constructive. :)

    PGC, hmmm. From what you wrote it appears that you've both reached the conclusion that the relationship does not have a long term future. This may be so, but I think that you're spending too much emotional capital trying to sort out who is to blame. Why does there have to be someone at fault? I guess there usually is some blame to be spread around, usually to both parties when a relationship ends, but does there always have to be? The two of you clearly have some interests and qualities in common that have allowed the relationship to reach it's current duration, but the aspects that each of you prize in the other are not a large enough proportion of the other person's makeup to overcome the differences between the two of you. You are each who you are and that is two good people who have spent the past nine months enjoying what attracts you to each other while simultaneously trying to work out your differences.

    I know that you're concerned about being alone, and I honestly can't imagine being in that situation, but you have to weigh not being in a committed relationship, for possibly only a short time, with continuing the roller coaster aspect of your current one. In a sense it's taking some short term pain for a possible greater long term happiness. There's no clear answer as to which is the correct path, but since it's not likely that either of you will be able to change those qualities that the other wants changed I know you understand what staying with PGC will entail. I only have a cursory understanding, at best, of the dynamics so I apologize if I'm sticking my two cents in where it doesn't belong and coming to incorrect conclusions.

    Whatever your decision is, I hope that you find happiness.
     
  6. Justitia

    Justitia Elite Member
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    Thank you everyone.... Thanks Happy :)

    Iceweasels, you are right... I have been trying to do that though I failed last night but I did get up this morning after 5 hours sleep... tough for me to do at my age... I could do it a few years ago OK... but not any more... :(

    I came home at the end of another tough day -- more because I was so tired. I just went to bed, to sleep for a couple of hours. I am up now but I am already in bed ready to go.

    So as Scarlett O'Hara says: "tomorrow is another day! Maybe I will have shot at a good day, food, sleep and exercise wise.

    Seltzer -- your wisdom about everything you wrote is right on the money.. I really appreciated those words. Yes, I know I have to take the leap of short-term pain (I am just scared about how "short" it will be -- after my separation and ultimate divorce in 1990 it was 10 years... :( :rolleyes: )

    PGC is coming up tomorrow. He really does not want to let go. I wish we could commute it to friends. I think there is no way I won't hurt him. It is easier when I get angry with him to break it off... but I know that is wrong and disrespectful.

    It still has a ways to unwind. I think I need to get my life back in a groove after my horrible year of medical stuff.

    It feels sooo great not to have to go to a doctor or dentist or anything. And it is sooo great having a reduced course load.... I hope I can get my life back in balance and caught up this spring semester.... If I am disciplined, I think I can. And that includes getting back on the physical fitness track. :tu:

    Iceweasal: I an going to take your suggestion of a cream and protein shake right now. I did not eat enough today, certainly not enough protein... It's a great idea :nod: Edit: I just drank it .. 2 Tablespoons of cream. bottled spring water, AT vanilla and sugar-free hazelnut syrup -- first time I ever made that combo... I didn't want to make my chocolate AT mix (with dutch chocolate powder... mmm...)becaue the chocolate caffeine keeps me up. But this Vanilla combo was absolutely delicious!!! :drool:

    Nighty-nite all!!!
     
    #326 Justitia, Jan 23, 2007
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2007
  7. Happy Monster

    Happy Monster Well-Known Member

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    Hello,

    I hope your talk with your PGC wasn't as bad as you feared. I wish I could help more, but we are here to support you if you need it. :nod:

    Thank you for all your help and support too!

    Richard x
     
  8. Justitia

    Justitia Elite Member
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    Well, before PGC got here... there was a really hurtful crisis at work. (I can't wait for the soon-to-be-gone Dean to be gone!. The Dean got several people extremely upset but the person who was most affected by it was me. PGC, who though really not good in personal relationships, is a master at academic politics but with integrity... few people can do both. He was there to comfort me on the phone and guide me through. Though what the Dean has done has not yet been undone and may not be, PGC helped me to calm down (ironic --given how he often behaves to the contrary in the personal realm), take all the right steps and help others do so as well. He is a very different man in this mode.

    I like this man -- so it has brought us closer together. Also, I have been talking about the dynamic between us in my therapy and, as my therapist has pointed out. my anger and irritation is not an unknown pattern in my relationships. Of course there is an element of chicken & egg: Do I get in to these anger, irritation patterns because I am drawn to people who will provoke it or are they drawn to me because they seek it and sense I am a vulnerable target and they try hard to bring it about.

    I have worked very hard on my anger issues for quite some time (like decades :o ). I have made major progress in that, my temper never flares extremely now and it very rarely gets irked. It took PGC 4 months to figure out how to find a button to push that even got me angry though I knew he was trying and told him so. Once he found it, it slowly accelerated from there.

    But somehow, during my most recent discussions with my therapist, I saw how I was so caught in that cycle -- the part that was my own doing. You know, cause it doesn't work unless both parties "play" even if it is only one who wants to start it, the other has to give in.

    So I already was in a frame of mind to be more focused on not being responsive... and then this sh*t at school happened (which was also a little bit my fault -- and that's another matter -- I kind of do at work what PGC does in personal relationships -- though I don't see it often, until after the fact, if at all.)

    So the combination of the two -- my own insight into my own behavior and PGC "coming to the rescue" and changing his functional mode -- has for the moment put things in a different framework.

    So for now, I am not doing anything re:PGC. I am too focused in stuff at work and pulling things together.

    Re: physical fitness -- had a great day Thursday, ate clean did AM cardio and evening weights. Took PGC with me both times and designed a weight program that he could do that would not aggravate his torn rotator cuff but would help build the rest of him and build his shoulder(s) around the rotator cuff .. and he really got into it. I did the same program but with just heavier weights.. it was not the best series of workouts for me but it was still good, 6 sets of compound movements: squats, deads, assisted reverse chin-ups, DB flies and a combo workout with DBs that worked the shoulders but would not aggravate PGC's rotator cuff We were doing those together so he could follow me in the mirror.)

    I was really glad to do it even though it was not perfect, and at a certain point PGC started getting into it -- I think his testosterone got flowing and I was no longer coaxing him but he wanted to do more. He then expressed afterwards how it was too bad that his PT's (which includes mine) don't design work-out programs that build muscle to support the rotator cuff. I told him he needed to read my sig here. :D (Taken from Starting Strength). I'll reproduce it below in this post since my sig will change over time and it will make sense in this post for historical purposes... :lol: (the academic in me :cool: )).

    Yesterday was meetings with the Dean re: sh*t, caballing with faculty re:how to deal with Dean and his sh*t, and meeting with students, et. until 8:30 PM. SO food was shit and no exercise.

    But to paraphrase Scarlett O'Hara, " today is another day!" :nod:
     
  9. Happy Monster

    Happy Monster Well-Known Member

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    I must admit that a great fear of mine is to go through life and being undone by unconscious destructive patterns, like my passive-aggressiveness, or your anger issues. :(

    Are we doomed to repeat the same behaviours and errors again and again? It is similar to visual blind spots I believe, in that our minds are unaware of them yet there is a big hole in our visual perception. I think the same is true in our perceptions of the world, of others and of ourselves.

    I find that really scary..


    Back on-topic, I.e. You!! I can understand why with the PGC helping so much you haven't done anything with regard to your relationship. Though I do sense a tendency for you to swing between one extreme and the other with him, however that may be aggrivated by your medical and work issues.

    If only he didn't provoke you, or create such negative emotions in you then you could possibly be happy with a less serious relationship than perhaps you would have liked, but one with support and care in it that could continue long-term.

    But the provoking behaviour does bother me.. :confused: I can't say I have met many people who do that unconsciously.

    When your health and work issues are improved perhaps your mind will be clearer on the current way to proceed with regard to your relationship.

    Richard x
     
  10. Happy Monster

    Happy Monster Well-Known Member

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    Hello beautiful.. :D
     
  11. Justitia

    Justitia Elite Member
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    Hi! :D

    Well, PGC is gone. We don't see each other for a month. There was a little impatience on my part with him on Saturday night. We went out to a movie, it got sold out, we went across the street to eat. It was a really good restaurant (not high priced) with lots of vegetarian dishes. It seems when I propose something, he always has a reluctance and reacts negatively to it. This irritates me.

    He never really wants to do anything... though he had asked before he came up that I plan at least one thing for us to go out to. He specifically asked for a concert. I found a great jazz concert to go to, he was reluctant, he was "wondering" if a whole punch of things might be wrong. After I addressed that and proposed a good schedule, he then wanted to make changes that made no sense, he kept at it until I got pissed and we got into a fight. This was before he came up.

    Now we canceled those plans and decide to go to a movie. Again, the criticisms and the demands. I finally just relented to what he wanted to do which had nothing to do with the movie but to make it early and close by (not going anywhere.)

    As I said, the movie was sold out. I tried very hard to find another we could get to from the list of ones he said he wanted to see, he now said he would rather go to the later (9:30) show and "not be rushed," though he was adamant before that we could not go to the later shows, which made us rushed in the first place.

    He then whined a bit how he would not be willing to eat afterwards -- which was fine-- but he could have just proposed that we eat before the movie since we had a 2 hour wait. We were in a neighborhood of several really good restaurants right in the blocks where we were. We had been to all but one. I suggested the one, though normally he says he can always find something at any restaurant given he is vegetarian -- despite the fact that this restaurant was in fact primarily a vegetarian restaurant with a number of delicious dishes for meat eaters like me -- he was reluctant. I pointed out again, it was very good and asked what was the problem. He said there was no problem but he would have to look at the menu to see if there was something he would like!?! Completely contradictory to how he usually behaves re: restaurants. It was just his contrariness.

    We ran into (several) former students of mine (an inevitable experience for me) but one of whom was someone I wanted to strike up a friend ship with. She was older to begin with and it had been 8 years since she took my course. She just made partner at her law firm and she was there with her husband whom I never met and they had also been closed out of the movie and came over to eat.

    So we started talking... and thank goodness, the charming PGC came out. He was so good socially.. this is part of what made him so successful professionally. It made me relaxed... I always feel awkward when trying to converse with students... they have a hard time stopping relating to me as their professor... no matter how long ago.

    But PGC started things rolling, my former student and her husband are very sociable people themselves and then it became a really fun time chatting. I was so glad PGC was there. I felt proud of him. We decided to eat dinner together the 4 of us and the place was so crowded we ate at the bar.

    Though the other two decide to bag the movie, we went over. We had paid the check for all of us (I asked PGC to, I would pay him back -- my former student and her husband are very wealthy, wealthy families and are becoming significant donors to the law school. The waitress said she was putting us all on the same check at the beginning, it felt a little awkward to say separate checks and my student friend did not say anything. So there was no way I was going to let them pay for us, and I whispered to PGC to do this, he said fine.)

    Anyway, we are sitting in the theater before the movie started when suddenly my student friend comes in with some money folded in her hand. Apparently, she had not even heard the waitress or understood what was happening. Their bill was rather huge more than twice as much as ours. But I refused, saying it was our pleasure and said she should just buy me lunch. Anyway, her husband comes in looking for her, we are all laughing and joking and I press that they stay for the movie and they did. And it was great.

    So I was very happy with the evening. We were going out to my ice cream place for my Saturday night cheat sundae and PGC started back with his whining and contrariness. He tried to make it difficult for us to find a parking place (I was driving); he got confused and lost, he was unhappy that the ice cream place was crowded, I proposed we take out our sundaes and he kept getting confused, did not remember what he wanted to order, couldn't understand the waitress.... What a contrast form just a few hours before.

    I have no idea about what that is all about. But it is clear he turns on and off whether he is focused and present and sociable or confused reluctant and whiny or provoking.

    I was so glad he was here this past weekend with all I was dealing with emotionally from the sh*t at school. He is very good at getting me calm and focused on the right things to focus on. But as the crises is passing (or more, as I am adjusting to it and not feeling so whacked out about it .. and I am calming others on the faculty :rolleyes: ) I am pulling back again in my mind about him.

    But I think I will just maintain a watchful eye. Just to try to get a more whole perspective on him. I have my own issues as I have said earlier. None of us is perfect.

    I am going to start a new thread because it is now 8 weeks exactly until my next birthday. And I am embarking on a new regime for fitness.
     
  12. guava

    guava Elite Member
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    He likes your passion. ;)

    It makes me think of my sister's marriage. She had a perfectly sweet boyfriend several years ago who would have done anything for her, and she dumped him because he was boring.:doh: Her husband is a real instigator, always egging her on and starting up arguments, but she really likes it that way. When they're not fighting, she's miserable.:rolleyes: :lol:
     
  13. Banditfist

    Banditfist Well-Known Member

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    Hey Justitia,
    Nicole and I went to a restaurant that I think that you would like. It is not too far from you....Cazbar. I got the kebabs.....I could not eat all the chicken.
    I need to talk to you sometime about trying to figure out if I needed to pay for parking on the street or not. There were these boxes, but I couldn't tell. I think that B'more does that on purpose to increase revenues.
     
  14. Happy Monster

    Happy Monster Well-Known Member

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    Well it sounds like it turned out ok in the end, despite a bad start!

    Does he unfocus when talking to other women? I was wondering if the suddenly becoming charming and focused was due to the guy or the woman?

    Perhaps he just feels a bit intimidated by your intellect and sometimes finds it easy to be more charismatic with others? :confused:
     
  15. Seltzer

    Seltzer Elite Member

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    See you in the new thread.
     
  16. Justitia

    Justitia Elite Member
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    Well.. in a certain way... I can relate to that... it is another version of the "bad boy" syndrome, why women are attracted to the bad boys -- because they seem exciting. In fact, they are incredibly draining.

    Certainly, as I get to know PGC even more, he is so consumed with guilt as to who he is and what he likes and what he desires. I am not sure it is the "passion" he likes, but the masochistic beating up he likes.

    Around sexual stuff, I am not sure why, but I have tremendous patience -- so everything that he does (or has done) to mess that up (more by restraining himself because it's been so ingrained in him that sex is "wrong" and "sinful"), I am able to cut through the BS in his head and undo it, or at least over time I have. I constantly reassure him it is OK to have sex, even with a woman you are in love with :-)lol: ;) ) and to want it and to want it often and to be the initiator and to be experimental. Even to express that he wants it or likes it or whatever. I never falter in being positive and reassuring about that, picking up when something is going on in his head and making it safe for him to disclose it and then reassure him that that is just more of the garbage he was indoctrinated with.

    But even with that, he has to make it "dirty" but that it is OK to be "dirty." He is also convinced that I am the only woman in the world who likes sex. :lol: I think it has become a little of a joke now - but what is true is that in his whole history, with one exception -- and she was a little weird -- none of the women he ever slept with, wives or lovers, seemed to like sex or respond to it, but did it more out of a sense of "obligation" and tried to avoid it if possible. Of course, these are the women he picked -- I think because they fulfilled his image of what ought to be. Since we got to know each other through correspondence first, he did not have an opportunity to "reject" me because I did not fit his usual mold. Then over time he found that things were different with me and by that time, he was already "in love with" me, (more like obsessed) and it was "too late" then to reject me.

    I am realizing I have to do the same thing with him with regard to these other matters. But it is much harder for me there... because it hooks into my own issues, of feeling like a screw-up, quick to feel despair or hopelessness and beating myself up all the time for failing here or there. It is hard not to do that to others, particularly when one gets intimately close, when one is constantly beating oneself up.

    SO obviously the clue here for me is to stop beating myself up. Then maybe I can stop doing that to him. Then maybe I can respond differently to his provoking. I have to realize that his provoking really has nothing to do with me. It is his issues, what he was indoctrinated with, so I shouldn't respond to them. But again it is very hard not to when I am so negative about myself. I don't know why or how I developed such a positive and non-shaming attitude about sex, given my childhood history but I am quite centered about that.

    SO there is my challenge. So if nothing else, this experience is providing a lot of opportunities for me to grow as a person, and I am at the very least, grateful for that.

    Yeah, actually PGC found it as he loves Turkish food (he has lived a number of years at various times in Turkey.) I really loved it... it was really good.

    About parking -- it seems like Baltimore is instituting, at least on Charles Street, the system they use in Europe. You park, you go to the box, you pay for the time you need, it prints out a time stamp of expiration on paper and you put that on your dash board. It is more efficient in that there is no up-keep of a ton of meters, there is no artificial spacing of parking places, allowing spaces to adjust to the actual size of the car or truck and it is cheaper to print those little pieces of paper than to keep meters working.

    You need to check on that box when parking paying is enforced. I don't know what it is since the whole area is in walking distance for me and I never drive.

    I think he just slipped into his professional mode. He knew this woman was a major donor because I mentioned it to him earlier. He can be this way quite easily. I see him do it when I bring him to school functions, etc. It is just the "professional" PGC coming out.

    As to being intimidated by my intelligence... there is no way... though he is extremely modest and you would never know it unless you get engaged in a conversation, he is totally brilliant. Part of what drew him to me was my intelligence and though one time he said in his off-hand-so-it-doesn't-sound-like-he-is-trying-to-compliment/schmooze-me-but-he-really-is manner, he implied that he considered me more intelligent than him.. but there is no way that is true. I think he was just tryin gto flatter me. This man is a world-class philosopher and wherever he goes,once people know who is, if they don't right off the bat, they immediately feel great deference to him. He doesn't promote it (though sometimes he very subtly does, when he thinks it is important and he realizes the person he is talking with doesn't know it but would want to), it just happens. It always is remarkable to see.

    My ex-husband was the same way when he was younger, though his self-destructiveness interfered with his ability to live up to his potential professionally, which was such a sad loss. But when he was starting out, "everyone" knew he was this brilliant young man who was going to be a major star in the field and even when he was a grad student, at a conference with all the heavyweights of the profession attending, when he would raise his hand to ask a question or make an observation about the speaker's talk, the whole room would become silent so everyone, including the speaker, could catch every word he said.

    It's a weird academic phenomenon.... but there is no way PGC could be intimidated by my intellect.... :nope: (I only intimidate low level a**holes who want to think more of themselves than they really are --- much more widespread phenomenon in academia...:lol: )

    Anyway, for the next month, we are communicating only by phone, so there will be a certain amount of peace.

    And I caught PGC's flu and woke up sick this AM. :( But I am not letting it deter me from my physical fitness goals for the day... :nope:
     
  17. Happy Monster

    Happy Monster Well-Known Member

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    :nod: Me too!

    I didn't say intelligence I said intellect. To my mind that includes aspects such as being able to analyse social situations, relationships and see very fine nuances in interactions which you have demonstrated great skill at.

    I personally would place that higher than a world-famous skill in thinking, memory or reasoning. Simply because it's more useful in everyday life and more likely to make you a less flawed person. IMHO anyway.. :)
     
  18. Justitia

    Justitia Elite Member
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    I appreciate your appreciation, Happy... though I am much better on the boards than I am in real life. I am also very good at initial phases of meeting people, etc. It's being OK for the long haul where I fall short. He, on the other hand, is extremely skilled in social situations in real life... except in his intimate romantic ones ... there he has always been a disaster... worse than I ever have been. And given I did a ton of work on myself, that does put me ahead even more.

    I think that what he finds difficult is that I catch him at his games. Though he can come up with endless arguments that I address until we come full circle.. I finally said to him, it is not up to me to prove he is doing xyz, it is his responsibility to see it and deal with it. Now I just walk away when he does some of that and I have stopped arguing with him (which is a major boon to me :nod: )

    But I see that he has worked hard to drop the games and it is more often now that he resorts to them when he feels under attack.
     
  19. Happy Monster

    Happy Monster Well-Known Member

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    :nod:

    At least it sounds like he is becoming more aware of these 'games'. Perhaps he is accepting that he is to blame in part for his past actions?
     
  20. Justitia

    Justitia Elite Member
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    I know this is weird to resurrect this thread as almost nobody who posted here are any longer active at JSF. But I am writing this more for myself than anything else.

    In 3 weeks from today, it will be 2 years since PGC passed away. Some of the incidents I describe here I remember so clearly - particularly the one regarding my former student and PGC's ability to make an awkward (for me) situation extremely comfortable and enjoyable - as long as it was on the professional front. And all the other positive characteristics he had.

    It is with respect to our fighting that brings sadness. It is with sadness that I recall PGC's ability professionally while completely the opposite wrt to personal relationships and wrt to me.

    But one thing I did not know at the time -- and I realized was the major cause of our fights -- and I am in no way diminishing my inclination to rage and be angry (and I have *finally* found a program to deal with it - quite successfully) is that what was PGC's "confusion" on the personal front was in fact real confusion. He was in the very earliest stages of cognitive decline -- brought on, it is suspected, by a likely concussion he experienced several months before he met me.

    He was in Turkey, as he spent a lot of time there throughout his life beginning with the Peace Corps in his youth, and he was riding his bicycle - as he has everywhere all his life as much as possible - it was his favorite physical activity and his bike hit a cobble stone in a way that not only caused the bike to flip but it threw him up in the air (this is a man a bit taller than 6') and caused him to land straight down on his head.

    Apparently, it was around that time -- his daughter later told me, though she had no idea about this incident, - that it seemed to her that he was not "100%" all there. Just very little occasional things. Even when she told me this - about 3 years into my relationship with PGC -- I didn't make any connection with the bicycle incident (the football concussions where just starting to be acknowledged) not with the source of our fights. I just though of him as being an "absent-minded professor" who was getting a little older and having the occasional "senior moment."

    It wasn't until 5 years into our relationship that he first started demonstrating occasional jerks - along with some other medical issues - that he was finally diagnosed with Parkinson's' disease, one of the manifestations of which is some impairment of "executive function" - i.e. he could think out a very critical and complex letter to compose - but once in the envelope and addressed -- getting it to the mail box, that is "executing the actions to go out the door open the mail box and put it in" was becoming challenging. His intelligence analytic ability and his decision making was intact but these small final acts of "execution" were beginning to show as incomplete.

    He was considered extraordinarily healthy, strong and youthful -- he was like me -- both of us physically much younger than our chronological age -- so the drs predictions were he was going to live another 20 years and still have a good life though some limitations would increase over time.

    So PGC still moved up here to be with me. The "executive functioning" issue made that challenging - i.e. to carry out packing up and getting up here (he had a house down there.) I ended up taking that over - managing it long distance with some wonderful people who were actually hired by PGSC to get his house ready for the market - and saw similar things. They also saw a neighbor in need and they went out of their way - these are the owners of the companies - to personally oversee packing up PGC's things and report to me every day how things were going. they got him to the airport found someone to drive his car up here etc.

    But it wasn't until about a year of his being up here ... and I had to increasingly handle minor things -- that it was clear -- that cognitive functioning was on a journey to go on a slow journey of decline.

    And becoming more intimate with how this was impacting him - I began to realize - the overwhelming majority of our fights in the early years were fueled by the very early stages of this interference with his cognitive functioning. His ability to be insightful engaging charming knowing how to function in "professional environments" never diminished. Even after we decided he should move into a continuing care facility very nearby to provide more support to managing daily personal care -- such as brushing his teeth getting dressed eating regular meals -- while I "managed" the quality of his life -- in the first couple of years he still spent every weekend and one night a week with me, intimately, we dined out, went to movies, socialized with friends etc his "professional" skills still functioned. He was elected to one of the officer positions at his facility he became good friend with upper level management and the aides assigned to his care over time became so attached to him they cme to his memorial service -- and shared stories about him while shedding tears.

    But once I realized that those fights we had - which seemed like he was not paying attention to what I told him about some factual needs - or deliberately operating against them -- those were all caused by the very earliest stage of impairment ot his "executive functioning." And once I realized that - our fights completely stopped.

    We had wonderful years together even through the stressful final years when we became exceptionally and intimately emotionally close -- which was necessary as he had to be completely open with me about what confusions were now arising without fear that I would react to him in any way dismissive or distancing. I had to be completely trustworthy - which I am by nature -- that when he had a concern that I would immediately take it seriously - not stop investigating until I figured out what it was -- and then either explain it to him by breaking it down into smaller pieces so he could understand or discover what the problem was -- get it fixe and then come back and explain to him what the matter was.

    That level of trust and closeness was something incredibly powerful. It was one of the most moving journeys - for both of us I think -- that anyone could ever hope to experience.

    And I am so grateful to have experienced it -- I am so grateful he was in my life. He helped me maneuver things in academic politics so those who were threatened by me - largely by my intellect and that I was a woman who had that intellect ---so those troubles completely vanished and so did the individuals who caused them -- either just withdrawing their aggressiveness , seeing me now having the upper hand thanks ot PGC's guidance -- and for a number of them -- they retired early....

    I have been having a really rough two years -- not just the grieving but I have gone through 3 intense medical issues -- hip and back - the second back incident due to a slip and fall that occurred due to negligence by university maintenance which created a situation of "black ice" at the doorway of an exit from a university building.

    I am just recovering from that. The surgery was majorily invasive - and I will never be completely whole again -- it is the only time in my life that I have not bounced back 100 %. But fortunately my spine dr is into weights etc. and working out for himself. And he is guiding me to through the exercises I can do to rebuild my body and strength. At my age, despite all this, I can do things physically he can't do even though he is more than two decades younger and in phenomenal shape. So I can't really complain -- but I am sad that despite my abilities -- thye are less than what they were a few months ago.

    Well, here it is. I haven't changed in this regard -- I still write incredibly long posts..... Lol...and I am aiming once again -- to get back in shape.

    Best regards,

    Justitia
     
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