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impact of getting fit on your relationship

Discussion in 'General Health/Fitness & Injuries' started by tammy, Feb 23, 2011.

  1. tammy

    tammy Well-Known Member

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    Not sure if I should put this here or in the off-topic section.

    For those who have been in a long-term relationship when they started to get on their work out plan, how has your new lifestyle changed your relationship?

    I've been with my boyfriend over 2 years and I was thinking about the fact that my boyfriend and I do NOTHING healthy together anymore. In the summer we took walks, but I live in Minnesota and he's not interested in even doing that because of the cold despite the fact that we used to take walks in the winter. We used to play a card game called Magic but we're both competitive and he started resenting me for doing better than him and I started resenting him for resenting me.

    All our time spent together is either eating, drinking alcohol with friends, or watching TV/movies. I've suggested going bowling or dancing or playing games but he never wants to and I get more and more resentful every time I ask him to do something different and he refuses. When I tell him that we hardly do anything together he claims that most couples don't share hobbies.

    If I commit to getting fit it means cutting the alcohol which is 75% of our leisure activity. Then he chides me for not drinking and pressuring me to drink when I tell him no. Even if he doesn't, I feel left out and annoyed because I have to deal with all these drunk people when I'm sober.

    If I'm upset, he "comforts" me by taking me to the bar. Last time I told him that making me fat isn't going to make me feel good but in the end I went to the bar with him and we spent the rest of the night drinking.

    Since we have nothing in common anymore, if we go out to have fun, it's dinner out or going to the bar. Tonight, we're going out for burgers. I don't even want burgers, but if I want to spend "quality" time with him I have to and it's awkward for both of us if I just sit there while he eats.

    We've worked out together before but he just wants to do cardio and things like push ups and sits ups because that's how he got fit when he was the fittest he ever was. Nevermind that it doesn't work for me. He gets angry or just tells me to do it by myself when I suggest a different routine. It's only recently - after over a year of talking about it - that I managed to convince him that he has to change his diet in order to get any real results. Not that it matters since he doesn't work out anymore.

    One of my biggest hobbies is cooking. Not only is it depressing for me to not be able to cook the way I want to but it takes away from the only time that we actually sit together in the day. It's also one of the few things he compliments me about. He at least likes the meat and vegetable meal but I can't make his favorite dishes outside of steak. Even now, I spend an hour cooking dinner and we sit together for 15-20 minutes while we eat and then he dashes off to his game. We don't even watch our favorite shows together anymore.

    Probably the worst thing for my diet is pizza and we have it at least once a week. I compulsively eat it whether I'm hungry or not - I've eaten a whole 30 oz pizza by myself in an evening even when I put it in the fridge - I just eat it cold out of the fridge.

    He swings between encouraging me to work out and eat better and provoking me to drink and eat badly. Even if he's not pushing me, I feel pressured by our situation because I know that it's either do these things or don't do anything. Almost all my acquaintences are his friends. I have no close friends anymore. The few I do have, either I don't like spending a lot of time with because we have nothing in common anymore or just want to drink anyway.

    If I fully commit to getting fit our relationship will be reduced to talking to him while he plays his computer game not even looking at me and occasionally watching a movie. The only somewhat healthy thing we do is go shopping together but neither of us have much money so that only happens once or twice a month.
     
  2. mastover

    mastover Well-Known Member

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    I would dump this guy and focus on your own health and fitness. You'll eventually find someone who shares your passions. This guy is bad news.
    IMHO.
     
  3. Jaer

    Jaer Well-Known Member

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    I got to agree with Masterover on this one.

    My wife and I have been married for 5 years, and been together since senior year in High School, so 12 years.

    We have very different mentalities with working out and dieting. I am all hardcore about it and love it; she pretty much hates it and slogs through it when she can.

    We've had our ups and downs as an relationship does, but we try to work together with the things we do. We don't share common hobbies, either, which is something I sometimes dislike--I like that we don't do EVERYTHING together--that I can go off and play my video games while she reads her books--but there were times when we did very little together for extended periods of time except perhaps watching TV shows or movies.

    I've compromised on my way of eating to better incorporate her own food wants and needs. For a while I was foreman grilling chicken breast and steaming vegetables every night for dinner; she couldn't stand it but also didn't like making her own meals for herself. It didn't work for us as a couple. We stopped that.

    This January, we started making more of a effort to cook together on the weekends. We decided (after I read The Omnivore's Dilemma) to eat more naturally and to prepare more food ourselves. We've made ravioli and perogies together, we make pasta some weekends, too. and I bake a lot of bread. We decide what to have for week--so we plan our food and grocery shopping together--and then we premake whatever we need to premake. It gives us together time, a better appreciation for what we eat, greater satisfaction with our food, and a healthier lifestyle.

    We don't workout together at all, though. We tried that before, and it doesn't work. I'm all into it and set to go and feel every rep; she just wants to get it over with. So we might head to the gym together, but we don't do our routines together.

    My point to all of this is not to brag about how awesome I have it, but to say that in a relationship, there can be discrepancies between fitness levels and desires. But compromises can and should be made on both parts to help the other partner succeed.

    Your boyfriend seems to be sabotaging you (and while he might not be doing it to sabotage your fitness, he is purposefully tempting you to do these things for his own reasons, not with your goals in mind), not supporting you at all, and over-all limiting your quality of life--not just fitness, but in everything.

    He's hit his comfort spot, it seems, and is satisfied doing what he is doing. Unless he wants to change, he won't, and he doesn't want you to change either, because he is in his comfort zone.

    You, however, sound like you want/need things to change; you want to change yourself and your environment and your relationship. I don't think you can do that with your boyfriend. He sounds like he is stifling you--and spending time with him and his friends prevents you from forming better relationships with people who share your goals.

    You're reinventing yourself and finding you no longer fit in the space you've been occupying in your life. It is a scare realization, but you can make that change and find others who will encourage you in that change.

    Jaer
    hopes his verbose post might help a little.
     
  4. ematsuda

    ematsuda Well-Known Member

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    I think you need to move on with your fitness and leave him behind. When he starts to see your results, he'll do one of two things: 1) Start thinking more about his health and join you or 2) Resent you for a period of time.

    Regardless of what his attitude is, you need to push through and not let him hold you back. Here's the thing: You need to show him results, good results that can't be misjudged. When this takes place and you're fit as heck, he'll come around because there's nothing worse than having a partner in which you feel is "more worthy" than you.

    It's funny that I've come across this thread because only yesterday did my GF come around and start to workout with me. Her first day back!! Albeit, she only did 25 min. of cardio. One big factor in this is that she sees my RESULTS. When I started back, she'd say "so you're in your 'fitness phase' again huh?" Now her attitude has changed, though it took 4 months. :p BTW... she had not complimented my transition in any way during this however her ACTION speaks thunder!
     
    #4 ematsuda, Feb 25, 2011
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2011
  5. ematsuda

    ematsuda Well-Known Member

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    Wow LOL... she just texted me "Gym today??". It must have felt good to get that first session under her belt. :D
     
  6. JoeSchmo

    JoeSchmo Well-Known Member

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    Basically you are saying you have nothing in common with this guy, and that he has zero interest in accommodating your goals and interests. Why stay with him?
     
  7. akm3

    akm3 Well-Known Member

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    It's OK to be incompatible in a relationship, but not when it prevents you doing things that are healthy for you! Perhaps it's time to move on to someone that shares your life goals, ambitions, desires and activities.
     
  8. Jasd

    Jasd Well-Known Member

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    Not sharing a lot of common interests in a relationship can work fine, as long as both sides have an open mind towards new things and are supportive towards each other's personal goals. In my opinion, the real problem here is the lack of support he shows for your interests.
     
  9. Mauidude

    Mauidude Active Member

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    You're trying to mix oil and water and it never works. It all boils down to deciding which is more important to you - your boyfriend or your healthy lifestyle. It appears you can't have both. Perhaps that will change in the future, but for now you must choose between the two.

    Good luck to you.
     
  10. jeremy155rr

    jeremy155rr Well-Known Member

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    +1

    Been married 8 years and that about hits it on the head. We have personality traits in common, and a strong love, but share no hobbies almost whatsoever. While we were dating I tried to take her hiking... it was a disaster, bless her heart she'll try anything and is very open minded about new things.
     
  11. KoNcEpT61

    KoNcEpT61 Active Member

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    my sentiments exactly. he doesnt seem to care about what you want at all... i mean yeah you can have different hobbies but it seems like hes content with "my way or the highway"
     

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