Is it wrong to avoid long-distance relationships?

[TheThirdMohican]

Just curious how the more experienced JSF veterans feel.

I dated a girl 2 years behind me in medical school (but 2.5 years older than me, I'm 23, she is 25) back in '10 for 8 months. I matched in residency in the same Texas town as our medical school but ended up breaking up with her during intern year because I became clinically depressed.

We reconnected a couple of months ago right before her match into residency but she was already dating another guy. She eventually broke up with him and we ended up back together; however, she had already been matched into a program >2500 miles away from me.

She flew up there last week to find her apartment and already I was feeling the strain of the time difference, the lack of physical contact, etc. I'm not a clingy person by any means, but more than anything the time difference killed me.

She said that she would wait 4 years for me or even considering transferring in a year or two when I finish residency and apply for fellowship, but she also said that if I was not fully committed to the idea that she understood. My sister and two of my best friends all spent a long time in LDRs and told me that they regret it and not to do it. I had a bad experience with a previous long-distance relationship so even though I love this girl I ended up breaking up with her. She claimed afterward that if I really loved her I would have dealt with the distance and time apart.

Does it mean you don't really love someone if you do not want to do long distance?

[Zilla]

Originally Posted by TheThirdMohican

She claimed afterward that if I really loved her I would have dealt with the distance and time apart.

Does it mean you don't really love someone if you do not want to do long distance?

I'm no relationship expert, but a relationship requires two people to work at it whether they are long distance or not.

If one person is doing all the work while the other is saying just deal with whatever the issue may be, that isn't a recipe for a solid relationship, IMO. There are countless examples of this in non-distance relationships as well. Money issues, raising children, household stuff, ect. If one person wants to get things done while the other drags his or her feet, it doesn't make for fun times.


To answer your question, yes I think a person can love another person if one doesn't want a long distance relationship, but there is something more important than that. If a person doesn't feel comfortable in a long distance relationship, they shouldn't be made to feel guilty about not wanting one.

Despite all the gross stuff that goes on in society, there is something to be said about people that have principles even when such prinicples may collide with somebody elses.

I personally rather deal with people that keep things real than breath holders. Breath holders are the people that put in a fake facade and when they can't proverbially hold their breath anymore, the person's true colors start to come out which isn't always a pretty. i.e- I dated a guy for a short time and the relationship was long distance. On the surface things seemed okay, but as time went on I found that he was more interested in his motorcycle than dealing with people, so I let him ride off into the sunset on his prize possession.

At the time it pissed me off that he'd rather spend his time with his Harley than myself, but now when I look back on it, it was a blessing in disguise. He wanted a "mother" and I had zero interest in playing "Mom" to anybody at that stage of my life. I don't begrudge the person for enjoying and taking pride in his bike, but I wish he was up front with me from the start. The energy I wasted on a relationship that wasn't going to go anywhere could have been spent in more constructive ways.

I don't know if this helps at all, but there is my .02 on the issue.

[digitalnebula]

I'll go ahead and put in the sterotypical guy response....basically because I don't care if I offend anyone...

Dude...if you are 23....enjoy being young.
Play the field and look for someone and a situation that is more in-line with your ideals....

If you start "settling" at 23, man....you are going to miss out on a lot of your best years...

Enjoy it while you can....because you might blink and wake up 40 some day.

--> Naturally, this comes from someone who has truly lived in the spirit of Carpe Diem...
Or maybe I am just exceptionally lucky to have had a ton of fun in my 20's and found my life-long soulmate at the age of 30....lol

Good luck sir.

[TheThirdMohican]

Originally Posted by Zilla

I'm no relationship expert, but a relationship requires two people to work at it whether they are long distance or not.

If one person is doing all the work while the other is saying just deal with whatever the issue may be, that isn't a recipe for a solid relationship, IMO. There are countless examples of this in non-distance relationships as well. Money issues, raising children, household stuff, ect. If one person wants to get things done while the other drags his or her feet, it doesn't make for fun times.


To answer your question, yes I think a person can love another person if one doesn't want a long distance relationship, but there is something more important than that. If a person doesn't feel comfortable in a long distance relationship, they shouldn't be made to feel guilty about not wanting one.

Despite all the gross stuff that goes on in society, there is something to be said about people that have principles even when such prinicples may collide with somebody elses.

I personally rather deal with people that keep things real than breath holders. Breath holders are the people that put in a fake facade and when they can't proverbially hold their breath anymore, the person's true colors start to come out which isn't always a pretty. i.e- I dated a guy for a short time and the relationship was long distance. On the surface things seemed okay, but as time went on I found that he was more interested in his motorcycle than dealing with people, so I let him ride off into the sunset on his prize possession.

At the time it pissed me off that he'd rather spend his time with his Harley than myself, but now when I look back on it, it was a blessing in disguise. He wanted a "mother" and I had zero interest in playing "Mom" to anybody at that stage of my life. I don't begrudge the person for enjoying and taking pride in his bike, but I wish he was up front with me from the start. The energy I wasted on a relationship that wasn't going to go anywhere could have been spent in more constructive ways.

I don't know if this helps at all, but there is my .02 on the issue.

Thanks for the input.

I'm happy I've moved on. I went a couple of relaxed dates with other people and it was nice to not have that pressure, that baseline tension all the time. I think I need a break from serious relationships for a while. She was much more of a breathholder than me, case in point she told me that she wanted to keep talking after we broke up but if I met someone else to NOT tell her and just stop talking altogether without a reason. I told her if she met someone I would prefer straight-up honesty rather than just silence.

Originally Posted by digitalnebula

I'll go ahead and put in the sterotypical guy response....basically because I don't care if I offend anyone...

Dude...if you are 23....enjoy being young.
Play the field and look for someone and a situation that is more in-line with your ideals....

If you start "settling" at 23, man....you are going to miss out on a lot of your best years...

Enjoy it while you can....because you might blink and wake up 40 some day.

--> Naturally, this comes from someone who has truly lived in the spirit of Carpe Diem...
Or maybe I am just exceptionally lucky to have had a ton of fun in my 20's and found my life-long soulmate at the age of 30....lol

Good luck sir.

I'm going to! . It's not even about the physical part of relationships, I just need to meet more people and gain some new perspectives.