Self image and how others see me

[cr74]

A friend who has only known me for a few months says I have a warped self image. Apparently I keep refering to myself as fat or unfit and my focus on diet and fitness is unhealthy. She said it with genuine concern. She added that she thought I was bordering on an eating disorder. This really stunned me. She added that she had noticed big changes in me in the short time she had known me and that this rate of change was unhealthy.

I got to thinking as to why she would say all this. In part I think it is due to my history. I was classed as obese for over a decade and I think phrases like I best get my fat ass moving are now part of how I speak and refer to myself. I used to be superbly fit in my teens and 20's so when I refer to myself as unfit I really am in my view unfit. However when compared to the average person I would have to admit I am above average, yet nothing special.

I think I have just admitted to myself that my self image is still out of sync with what I look like. I have such a huge desire to get back to what I used to look like that anything less than that just will not do. I look at my tum these days and think no abs yet (I used to have really nice abs), therefore I am too fat still. But when you look at me and compare me with the average on the street I am in reasonably decent shape.

The vast majority of people these days are out of shape, unfit, unhealthy and depressed. They comfort eat and drink (just as I once did) and make themselves feel better via chocs or retail therapy. This has become the normal state. So when you look at someone who is making big changes to their body composition, toning up, getting fit and being "obsessive" about what they eat is it out of normal mode and therefore something to fix.

She says my diet is terrible and I am not eating enough. I immediately replied that I had gained weight this year so how can I be under eating? She countered by saying "utter crap, you cant have, none of your clothes fit. They fall off you.". I tried to explain that I have dropped loads of fat but I have gained about 8kg (about 17.5 pounds) in weight since January this year. My waist line has dropped significantly. I tried to explain about body composition and that muscle weighs more than fat. I think it fell on deaf ears. Hmm, while writing this it has just dawned on me that she has never seen me consume anything more than water. When the tea and biscuits are passed around at a weekly meeting I never touch them.

So, I have asked her to come to my house and view what I eat. To read my logs and see my workout routine. I hope she will eat her words, and to some degree, learn a bit.


I am curious to learn how you all deal with such comments.

[lrachel91]

Originally Posted by cr74

A friend who has only known me for a few months says I have a warped self image. Apparently I keep refering to myself as fat or unfit and my focus on diet and fitness is unhealthy. She said it with genuine concern. She added that she thought I was bordering on an eating disorder. This really stunned me. She added that she had noticed big changes in me in the short time she had known me and that this rate of change was unhealthy.

I got to thinking as to why she would say all this. In part I think it is due to my history. I was classed as obese for over a decade and I think phrases like I best get my fat ass moving are now part of how I speak and refer to myself. I used to be superbly fit in my teens and 20's so when I refer to myself as unfit I really am in my view unfit. However when compared to the average person I would have to admit I am above average, yet nothing special.

I think I have just admitted to myself that my self image is still out of sync with what I look like. I have such a huge desire to get back to what I used to look like that anything less than that just will not do. I look at my tum these days and think no abs yet (I used to have really nice abs), therefore I am too fat still. But when you look at me and compare me with the average on the street I am in reasonably decent shape.

The vast majority of people these days are out of shape, unfit, unhealthy and depressed. They comfort eat and drink (just as I once did) and make themselves feel better via chocs or retail therapy. This has become the normal state. So when you look at someone who is making big changes to their body composition, toning up, getting fit and being "obsessive" about what they eat is it out of normal mode and therefore something to fix.

She says my diet is terrible and I am not eating enough. I immediately replied that I had gained weight this year so how can I be under eating? She countered by saying "utter crap, you cant have, none of your clothes fit. They fall off you.". I tried to explain that I have dropped loads of fat but I have gained about 8kg (about 17.5 pounds) in weight since January this year. My waist line has dropped significantly. I tried to explain about body composition and that muscle weighs more than fat. I think it fell on deaf ears. Hmm, while writing this it has just dawned on me that she has never seen me consume anything more than water. When the tea and biscuits are passed around at a weekly meeting I never touch them.

So, I have asked her to come to my house and view what I eat. To read my logs and see my workout routine. I hope she will eat her words, and to some degree, learn a bit.


I am curious to learn how you all deal with such comments.

I have gone from 250 down to 210 and I have a lot of people tell me I look good, but when I tell them I've got another 30-40 lbs to go they get crazy on me. Saying that will make you too skinny! You'll look sick! etc... I explain to them that to achieve a healthy bmi for a height of 5'8", i need to be around 167lbs. I tell them that although I will get to that point I won't stay there, it's a starting point for me to start packing on size through muscle and not fat this time. When it's all said and done, regardless of what people say...it's how you feel at the end of the day that matters!

[BigDog]

BMI calculators are largely inaccurate.
I'm 6'3" (actually, a shade under). When I was really fit a few years ago, I got myself to around 200lbs. That put my BMI at 25 - Right on the border of "overweight". While I may not have been pro athlete fit, I was in good shape.

At this point, if I got to 210, I'd probably have a lower body fat %, but my BMI would be higher.

Don't get hung up on any one metric. Look at your progress and the mirror, and keep pushing.

[Jaer]

Can't help you much on this point as I haven't lost weight with any great speed for people to think I am unhealthy.

I've been going to the gym for years, and all my friends know it. I talk about it pretty freely and readily discuss my current eating habits. Every few months, I might get a comment about it (Have you lost weight? - the answer is typically "not much" because my weight barely moves, but I look different, especially in the face apparently), but the change is slow. Looking back at older pictures of me is a surprise to everyone, including myself, because I look so different now but the change was so gradual that no one noticed it until seeing the side-by-side.

On the other hand, I can understand how the self-image might be off. I think mine still is. I know I have more to go with my transformation; I was always the chubby kid and I don't want to be anymore.

When I look at myself in the mirror, I immediately see how much more I need to do to be where I want. I have to remind myself how far I have come because that is not what I see. I don't think that is a bad thing as it keeps me motivated (I never look in the mirror and think about quitting because it isn't working after all), but I do need to work at seeing the progress despite being in the best shape of my life.

I know other people see me differently than I see myself, but that doesn't mean my self0image is warped. I don't think of myself as fat anymore, but I still see myself as chubby with more work to do, more fat to drop. Others just see my as large, as strong, as muscular. Friends compare me to how I was and see the improvement; they don't compare me to my goals and see the progress I want to make--I'm the one who does that.

You wanting to push yourself further, being motivated to hit your prime again and settleing for nothing less is admirable, not warped.

However, if you are still think you are fat and unhealthy after what sounds like drastic improvement, then maybe you need to re-assess yourself, or at least use different language when describing yourself: it is a very different thing to say "I'm still fat" versus "I have not reached my ultimate goal yet."

Most of us are far from being fat long before we hit our ultimate goal.

[reniform]

I had a few people tell me that I was getting too skinny until I started bulking, but they never pursued anything beyond that one comment. Objectively, I knew they were right, hence the start of my bulk. The thing that's hard for me is getting my self-image to sync up with my actual image. For some reason, I still feel like the fat, unattractive person that I used to be. I'm arguably in the best shape of my life and I know this, I just don't feel it. Aside from a period of time right after high school, I was overweight for most of my life. I'm making some progress on this front, but my self-image gets annoying at times and hampers social interactions. The difference in the way random people interacted with the fat me vs. the new me is probably responsible for some of this. Plus, I was an antisocial computer nerd for most of my life, so my social skills were probably lacking to begin with. I'm guessing that its just going to take a while to get my self-image to sync up. I look at it as another part of my transformation and something that I need to work on, much like my diet and exercise habits when I began this journey. I just haven't been as successful with this phase...yet

[guava]

Originally Posted by cr74

A friend who has only known me for a few months says I have a warped self image. Apparently I keep refering to myself as fat or unfit and my focus on diet and fitness is unhealthy. She said it with genuine concern. She added that she thought I was bordering on an eating disorder. This really stunned me. She added that she had noticed big changes in me in the short time she had known me and that this rate of change was unhealthy.

I got to thinking as to why she would say all this.

In part it's due to the fact that a large proportion of the population views making healthy meal choices and engaging in active leisure pursuits as extremely unpleasant. They feel that people who act that way are in some way needlessly punishing themselves. That's why they're concerned. They want you to get joy and relaxation out of your life and they're concerned if they perceive that you're not.

I don't think she really cares what your numbers add up to. What I think would be more helpful to share with her is how proud you are of your growth, what new things you can do that you once couldn't, and how much you enjoy your meals. I find that once I share those things about myself, people aren't nearly as concerned about me.

[philph]

At my lowest body fat level (about 8% or a tad less), my body weight was approaching 100kg, an when I visited the doctor for a regular checkup I had lost a LOT of body fat but gained a lot of muscle since an earlier visit. My aerobic fitness, lipids, blood pressure, diabetes control, and general happiness and ability to function at work etc were also improved.

Her analysis was that my scales weight now took me beyond the red line in her diagram and that heart disease was only a matter of time now, and that she was very sorry and afraid for the damage I had caused myself.

So if this is how the doctors see things, what hope have you got for explaining it to normal non-professionals?

Best not to bother: you'll get further by banging your head against a brick wall.

[cr74]

Thank you all for your comments. I was fairly sure others had experienced this and it is great to see that I am not alone.

She is now convinced I am insane and obsessed. I showed her my logs, diet and this website.

Oh and she thinks that you, John, were on steroids and taking pictures weekly and not daily as you claim. "Heck even his skin turned orange." A sure sign of steroid usage in her eyes.

Sorry John. I tried to use you as an example of what proper diet, motivation and training could do and failed. Ya cant win them all!

[Robert2006]

A couple of things. Unless you're still cutting no point not getting clothes that fit. Walking around in clothes that are too big will look strange. Either you look sick or you can't dress yourself.

OTOH if you're still cutting no point wasting money.

Some people think it's very hard to drop weight. It's what they tell themselves to avoid trying. You represent a challenge to those people.

[Phillyp]

Originally Posted by cr74

Thank you all for your comments. I was fairly sure others had experienced this and it is great to see that I am not alone.

She is now convinced I am insane and obsessed. I showed her my logs, diet and this website.

Oh and she thinks that you, John, were on steroids and taking pictures weekly and not daily as you claim. "Heck even his skin turned orange." A sure sign of steroid usage in her eyes.

Sorry John. I tried to use you as an example of what proper diet, motivation and training could do and failed. Ya cant win them all!

I love people like this, its like a retard check, confirms i'm not one!

[cr74]

Originally Posted by Robert2006

A couple of things. Unless you're still cutting no point not getting clothes that fit. Walking around in clothes that are too big will look strange. Either you look sick or you can't dress yourself.

OTOH if you're still cutting no point wasting money.

Some people think it's very hard to drop weight. It's what they tell themselves to avoid trying. You represent a challenge to those people.

Yeah my body shape is still changing. I do try and keep my clothes fairly well fitting but I dont like under using clothes especially when I know my shape has a fair way to go yet. I hope that by the end of the year my form will have stabilised and I can take full advantage of the January sales to sort out my wardrobe.

[zero]

The general public have a warped idea of what a healthy lifestyle is.

Plenty of people have watched the biggest looser and read countless dangerous/stupid fad diets..
As guava said they associate a dramatic change in physique with some sort of elaborate self harm. If you're showing allot of new muscle mass then it MUST be anabolic steroids

I'm the age where most of my friends are having kids and buying houses. (and not going to gyms)
At a party a couple of months ago one friend said "you wont be the same if you loose it all" damn right I won't be! This from somebody who herself lost allot of weight in the not distant past.. Perhaps its nostalgia talking?

Having problems with my clothes too, I've got a huge pile of stuff to ditch and a very empty wardrobe. Wearing your old stuff will make you look.. unwell..

Originally Posted by philph

..Her analysis was that my scales weight now took me beyond the red line in her diagram and that heart disease was only a matter of time now, and that she was very sorry and afraid for the damage I had caused myself...

This diagram wasn't a bmi chart was it?? Did she prescribe a course of beer, pies, cigarettes and lethargy?

Perhaps your doctor was implying in a roundabout way that your on steroids Or she actually believes muscles = heart attacks

[philph]

Originally Posted by zero

This diagram wasn't a bmi chart was it??

Yes.

Did she prescribe a course of beer, pies, cigarettes and lethargy?

Actually, she hasn't criticised my diet, or even really mentioned it. But in a way, it's more frustrating than that. The doc just can't fuse my llifestyle and my health improvements in her mind. SHe sees the fat loss and muscle gain as something extraneous that could ruin my health improvements, whereas I see it as an indispensible part of why those improvements actually occurred.

[guava]

Originally Posted by philph

SHe sees the fat loss and muscle gain as something extraneous that could ruin my health improvements, whereas I see it as an indispensible part of why those improvements actually occurred.

Shocking that doctors are not better educated in the difference between real risk factors and correlations which could indicate risk factors. BMI was designed to be an indicator that a person fall within the typical range of weights of people who typically experience health concerns. It was never meant to be a diagnostic tool. Doctors should not be using it to say if you're this weight, that's healthy, and if you're over or under this weight, that's unhealthy. There's also a disclaimer on the BMI scale of who it does not apply to - namely pregnant women and bodybuilders. I would say that the "bodybuilder" label would apply at least to some degree to any person who has a significantly different body composition than an average person, certainly any man whose body fat percentage is below 10%.

[philph]

Originally Posted by guava

BMI was designed to be an indicator that a person fall within the typical range of weights of people who typically experience health concerns. It was never meant to be a diagnostic tool. Doctors should not be using it to say if you're this weight, that's healthy, and if you're over or under this weight, that's unhealthy.

I agree. This is the reason why I don't say that BMI is flawed in any way. It has statistical and heuristic relevance, but at you mention, it should never be used on its own as a diagnostic tool.

It's just that in the UK, it seems like health policy is driven by the desire to meet health targets that are as widely understandable as possible to the common man and to pen-pushers, accountants and politicians. BMI is simple and fast, and easy for people to understand (even if its use as a sole diagnosis is not supported by science), so this becomes the be all and all and, therefore, a doctor will not take your waist and hip measurements, and concepts of body composition are way, way off the horizon. Indeed, when I raised that issue, I was offered psychiatric help.

I would say that the "bodybuilder" label would apply at least to some degree to any person who has a significantly different body composition than an average person, certainly any man whose body fat percentage is below 10%.

My body fat percentage (according to a 7-site skinfold measurement) was estimated between 7% and 8%, and I was 43 years old. I attended the consultation in a pair of old jeans that I had kept since my youth.

[Catalyst]

Actually, I read a study this summer that said BMI included individuals who were heavy on muscle. I believe it was based around studying pro football players and concluded that high BMI was a risk factor, even when its muscle/bone instead of fat. Might be worth a google.

On topic, its interesting how people tell me I look too skinny now. My mom told me that just the other day. But objectively, I know I still could afford to lose another 10 lbs and then replace it with muscle. Who knows -- in some ways fitness is a hobby to a lot of us, not really about health. That can be harmful if taken to an extreme, but as far as a hobby/addiction goes, its hard to imagine a better one than eating healthy and exercising. =P

[GatorDeb]

I was called Bulimic in Facebook and now my mom's worried I'm becoming bulimic because I spend an average of 2 hours a day at the gym. Right now I eat about 1100 a day because I've been eating when I'm hungry and I'm not eating just to gain calories. I never ate a lot, just bad, so I've cut 1500-2000 calories a day just what changing what I'm eating, even though volume-wise I eat about the same.

This coming week I'm bumping it up to 1300 calories a day and I'm going to force myself to eat even if I'm not hungry because I want to start bulking up a bit (doing ChaLean Extreme along with my Zumba/TurboKick/weights group classes at the gym (I don't use the machines, cardio or weights, at the gym, just do group classes (until tomorrow Monday when I start the weight-gaining DVDs at home with the adjustable weight and step with risers and slanters)). I want to see what the extra calories will do.

I have a Polar heart rate monitor and I monitor what I eat and burn to the calorie (http://fitdeb.blogspot.com), even calculating net exercise calories so that I don't double count calories burned at rest. Most of the time I have a 10k caloric deficit but my average weight loss (I'm on week 20) is 1.82 lbs a week, so it's not an exact science by far because 10k calories is almost 3 lbs a week and I'm not losing that, so it's not always exact numbers. So adding 200 calories a day and making myself consume that doesn't necessarily mean I will lose less, it may even make me lose more! I'm going to try 1300 for a couple of weeks and even thinking of going up to 1500.

Something I have noticed, though, is that at least one person is now jealous. I hate that. It started reminding me that people are going to start looking at me differently. Looking at me period. I've been fat my whole life, I've -never- been skinny. I always joked I'd be a knockout thin and now I'm scared it may be true. Sigh. So I'm going to have to start thinking of myself as attractive and that's a bit scary for me, as so far I haven't had to deal with that for the most part.

I'm 5'4" and I tell people I want to be 120lbs and everyone gasps in horror, and that's a perfectly healthy weight for a 5'4" 31-year-old woman.

[MixweLL]

Originally Posted by cr74

A friend who has only known me for a few months says I have a warped self image. Apparently I keep refering to myself as fat or unfit and my focus on diet and fitness is unhealthy. She said it with genuine concern. She added that she thought I was bordering on an eating disorder. This really stunned me. She added that she had noticed big changes in me in the short time she had known me and that this rate of change was unhealthy.

I got to thinking as to why she would say all this. In part I think it is due to my history. I was classed as obese for over a decade and I think phrases like I best get my fat ass moving are now part of how I speak and refer to myself. I used to be superbly fit in my teens and 20's so when I refer to myself as unfit I really am in my view unfit. However when compared to the average person I would have to admit I am above average, yet nothing special.

I think I have just admitted to myself that my self image is still out of sync with what I look like. I have such a huge desire to get back to what I used to look like that anything less than that just will not do. I look at my tum these days and think no abs yet (I used to have really nice abs), therefore I am too fat still. But when you look at me and compare me with the average on the street I am in reasonably decent shape.

The vast majority of people these days are out of shape, unfit, unhealthy and depressed. They comfort eat and drink (just as I once did) and make themselves feel better via chocs or retail therapy. This has become the normal state. So when you look at someone who is making big changes to their body composition, toning up, getting fit and being "obsessive" about what they eat is it out of normal mode and therefore something to fix.

She says my diet is terrible and I am not eating enough. I immediately replied that I had gained weight this year so how can I be under eating? She countered by saying "utter crap, you cant have, none of your clothes fit. They fall off you.". I tried to explain that I have dropped loads of fat but I have gained about 8kg (about 17.5 pounds) in weight since January this year. My waist line has dropped significantly. I tried to explain about body composition and that muscle weighs more than fat. I think it fell on deaf ears. Hmm, while writing this it has just dawned on me that she has never seen me consume anything more than water. When the tea and biscuits are passed around at a weekly meeting I never touch them.

So, I have asked her to come to my house and view what I eat. To read my logs and see my workout routine. I hope she will eat her words, and to some degree, learn a bit.


I am curious to learn how you all deal with such comments.

I think as long as you're consuming enough calories and working out to drop weight it is considered healthy.. Unhealthy would be if you forced your body to consume way less calories in order to lose weight. You'd be surprised that a lot people don't know that 1LB of muscle burns 3x (not sure on this) more than 1LB of fat. I would take it that someone saying "you are unhealthy ie. losing too much weight as ignorance". When you mention that the muscle weighs more than fat fell to deaf ears it proves it right there.

No offense to your friend but I've heard a lot of females who are only obsessed with scale numbers but fail to realize the whole muscle burns more than fat when it comes to calories.. I say if you know what you're doing and know your consumption and it is healthy then stay with it. You might not drop a lot of overall weight BUT you can turn that fat into muscle which is a lot healthier IMO than losing a shit load of weight that could be muscle loss+fat loss. This is one thing I am trying to avoid is looking at the scale numbers and trying to look at the overall picture. This is why I will try to take monthly progress pictures to get the .... well.. picture rather than obsessing about the scale numbers.

[Chadster]

I went through the same thing- lost 97 lbs and went through an obviously huge body recomposition. Everyone at work asked if I was sick, etc. Many people made positive comments, some others made negative remarks out of jealousy. The bottom line is - as long as you are healthy, don't worry *too* much about what others think. While I was losing my weight my own mother fought me tooth and nail because she does not like the idea of anyone being thin. Did she care about me? Yes. Was it a totally flawed way of thinking? Yes. Even around here at JSF, people openly disapprove of certain things that we find brings us proven success. I've had people come into my journal and tell me I'm all wrong for eating fruit. Thats approximately when I stopped posting in it. People can nitpick and critique your diet/exercise forever and you would run in circles trying to incorporate all their opinions. If you are on a healthy path and achieving your goals, stick to it and make minor tweaks as necessary.

[Barber]

I'm a physician myself and lot of doctors don't view BMI as the only factor in deciding if you're "unfit". We are educated about bodyfat (external/subcutaneous), visceral fat, muscle mass, bone density, etc. If you feel your doctor is wrong, either confront him/her or find yourself another one. Training/education/experince all decide what kind of doctor one becomes.

On the flip side, just because you're "fit", have a lot of LBM, and low body fat %, that does NOT indicate that you are not at increased risk of heart disease, stroke, diabetes, etc. There are numerous other factors that play into this equation.