I'm starting this journal at an odd time for me, it is a time of failure. After making great progress the past couple weeks towards my goals, my diet and exercise plan is derailed, as usual. This is the critical time where I can continue to give up, or get back on the horse while the damage is still only 4500+ kCals and three missed workout sessions.

I am angry and frustrated with myself, and feeling generally 'blah', depressed, and lonely! The usual "is this all even worth it? I still won't be happy if I reach my goals!". My inner voice is trying to demotivate me for reasons I still don't understand.

I've enhanced my calm, however; continued my habits of logging everything into Fitday, and started planning tomorrows meals in an effort to, for the first time, get myself BACK ON TRACK without a 2 month delay, like usual.

***

Who am I?

27 year old male, single, 6' tall, used to weigh 176 when I was 17. Got up to 185 when I was 18 and made my first 'resolution' to get in shape. Instead, I've steadily gained weight over the past 9 years especially after a relationship of 5 years ended badly. A year after that I hit my
peak weight of 209 and have since then reduced it to 197ish and maintained it there for several months.

'Short Term Goal' is to reach 15% bodyfat (currently 17%) within 2-4 weeks, but this has been my goal for the past three months. Even with exercise and careful food logging, it is eluding me. Obviously my math isn't adding up properly somewhere, probably in my food intake. Until a recent binge a day ago (18 cookies = 1900kCal within five minutes) I had had perfect food intake for several weeks, and had dropped to 195. Since the binge I am back at 199 and very disappointed and discouraged.

I need to improve my mood but feel lost and powerless and frustrated. Nevertheless, I KNOW what needs to be done and how to do it, and I'm dedicated to be back on the horse RIGHT NOW...Not tomorrow, not next week, but RIGHT NOW.

It feels hollow to say "this time I will succeed" because I have been saying that every three months for the past 9 years. Insanity: Doing the same thing expecting different results.

What I am failing to grasp is, "doing that I always start doing everything right every time and don't follow through succeeding, the difference must be following through." I guess my resolve must not be to succeed, but to follow through and be consistent.

So what am I doing differently?

This journal.

Hopefully putting it out in the public and getting the support of the folks here (if you've read this far #your_deity bless you) will be the 'difference' that makes this successful where previous efforts have failed!
Wish me luck...

-Allen

hey you are doing the right thing! It doesn't matter how many times you fail if you succeed in the end. Don't worry about the past, THIS is the time it will happen!

And you are not insane because this time its different, you have me and the rest of the board members here right with you EVERY SINGLE DAY. Every time you have a down or up week, its recorded here forever, so you can watch your progress like never before. And get help and ecouragement RIGHT NOW instead 2 months after a tripup. And thats all it was, a little hiccup, but now you are back on track to your goals and you KNOW will be so happy when you get there.

Thanks!

I woke up today back in peaceful/zen/calm/clarity mode, which is fantastic. Prepared all my (healthy) food for the day, and was right back in my routine. I have changed my focus from my goal (weeks away) to "today". If I can just follow my plan TODAY, I will reach my goals.

TODAY is going pretty good so far, goal wise :)

I was having some intense shoulder pain yesterday, and Yoga aggravated it. This is after some intense knee pain while 'spinning' during a class the previous day, which I think was related to having my seat mis-adjusted. I'll try that again tomorrow morning!

-Allen

I am experiencing knee pain when I stationary cycle and extreme shoulder pain in my left shoulder -- my trainer thinks it might be rotator cuff related and suggested some exercises using a band for resistance to strengthen my rotator cuff.
I think Yoga aggravated it.

Diet and food today went splendidly :) Happy to be back on track and out of the bad place :P

-Allen

Improper positioning in Yoga is what was causing my shoulder pain. (Hands were NOT under shoulder in things like plank and down dog positions -- ouchie)

***

Spending lots of time thinking about the past and how things could have been different if I'd made different choices... Sold my Ex-fiance her engagement ring to her (pennies on the dollar of course). She had always wanted (to buy) it after we had split, but never had money. Now she has money, and I kept it for her for all this time (3 years-ish).

Wonder what might have happened differently...

-Allen

OK The gym fitness contest is ON! I couldn't take my extra water logged 'before' pics because they keep them at the Gym. I will get them afterwards though. I gained about 6lbs from eating pretzels and water (LOTS of water) which really set me up good for "Before"

ALSO, I'm one of the only men competing so that means my field of competitors isn't too large :) I have a very good shot of taking first place in the mens :claplow:

Now I'm on a hard core diet / fitness routine to try to cut as much fat as possible for the next 8 weeks. Also, I purchased a bi-cycle and will use it to commute to work, the gym, improv theatre where I perform, grocery store, etc. None of these are more then 5 miles from my house (why didn't I do it before??!)

Stoked and excited :)
:db:

Woohoo! Good luck with the contest. :tu:

Well, the changeup in my routine sure worked (riding a bike everywhere).

Since my water bulk up to 200+ 2 days ago I'm down to 194.8 this morning (yes, almost all water). BUT before the water/sodium binge I was only getting as low as 196-197 so I'm down to a new low in weight loss tracking. How much is water? How much is fat? How much is muscle? WHO CARES :) The scale is going down.

Also, I started a very heavy routine for the contest, lifting heavier weights and fewer reps then I was previously. This will migrate as I get closer to the end of the competition to more and more reps with lighter weights (Still heavy, just not as heavy) on the advice of my trainer. She hasn't steered me wrong yet, so while it sounds like crap to me I'm going to go with her advice.

We are also planning a water/sodium depletion prior to the end of the contest, as is normal for fitness competitors/bodybuilders. I'm very excited :)

-Allen

"Ehance your calm, John Spartan"...
anyway, if there's something wrong with you- its wrong with me too - my inner voice is the same way. Its just... Its never a big "Don't work out" ... its a tiny little... "stay home... its cool"... but its not cool, I gotta get to the gym... I was going to say screw it today and not go do cardio, but after reading your post, I'm not waiting!!!
Thanks for the motiviation!

If I can inspire ANYONE I would consider that a major accomplishment for myself! So, thank you!

***

I think my new routine is too much too fast for my body. With the biking everywhere I've essentially tripled my cardio, and it has REDUCED my appetite so now I'm not eating enough Calories (1800 or so the past couple days)

As a result, I'm now feeling some soreness in my knees, lower back, and my wrists (particular my right wrist) are experiencing some tendonitis.

My right wrist was so bad I couldn't do some of the basic Yoga postures.

SOOO I'm taking a couple days completely off to fully recover, watching my nutrition closely, and reducing my cardio sessions by one a week to more gradually ease me.

I'm seeing good results so far for such a short period of time, and I'm a lot stronger then I thought I was, which is nice!

-Allen

P.S. Does anyone like my new avatar? Duckman made it for me and yes it is supposed to look a bit cheesy. My head (with a 'hey baby!' expression, no less) chopped onto my animated Smith rain .gif.

Duckman is the DUCK! err, I mean MAN!

My weight has been bouncing around several pounds a day which is unusual for me. Usually only a pound or two a day. I know it is all water weight, but it is odd to watch my weight shoot up three pounds one day and drop four the next. The chart is going in overall the right direction, so I can't complain too much!

Asked a girl out to go skydiving for a first date. At least I'll be memorable, one way or the other.

-Allen

Asked a girl out to go skydiving for a first date.
Wow! Quite a date. Impressive that she said "yes" to the skydiving instead of suggesting an activity that takes place while standing on the planet. :gl:

EDIT: Oh, and I like the new avatar.

Continuing the diet, exercise regimen. Scale is slowly dropping and suprise suprise I'm starting to see MUSCLES. I'm always suprised to see those in the mirror, cause it is like it isn't me on the other side -- I'm so used to being 'soft'.

Now, I'm STILL soft, and have a long way to go, but definition is slowly occuring! Pretty exciting!

-Allen

One of my close friends 2 1/2 year old daughter was just diagnosed with cancer in her kidney, and goes in for surgery tomorrow morning to have that kidney removed. Then, she starts several months of Chemotherapy to hopefully wipe it out completely. The five year survival rate for kids with this condition is 90%.

I'm not looking or asking for sympathy or prayers or even replies, but just reflecting on it in relation to all of our healths and the things we do every day to take care of ourselves. Obviously, this little girl didn't do something to cause her cancer, but there are a lot of things WE can do to prevent a lot of bad things happening to us. Unpreventable disease could claim any of us at any time, but don't be a victim to something you CAN prevent...

I'm not religious, but I am thankful that I have always been so healthy my entire life. It certainly isn't fair one child should be so healthy when another isn't; alas, this is life!

Take care of yourselves folks, life is very precious!

-Allen

As an update to my friend's 2 1/2 year old daughter. She successfully had her kidney removed, as well as a FOOTBALL sized tumor, that you wouldn't have been able to see/tell she had (she is quite a small child).
Everything is going about as well as it can and her chances look good!

***

I am getting very frustrated with my weight, even though I'm eating pretty well and exercising pretty frequently, (and according to my calculations SHOULD be in an average, sustained, 800 kCal deficit a day) my weight will slowly creep down every day only to shoot up occasionally, and then slowly creep down again. I THINK the overall trend is losing weight, but it is only .25 to .75 pounds a week which is far too slow.

Either I'm over estimating what I'm burning, or underestimating what I'm eating. Since I measure everything and log it in FitdayPC I assume it must be overestimating what I burn! How frustrating!

Oh well, sticking to it.

-Allen

I hate my scale! It is taunting me at 194.00000 and will not drop into the 193's!!

I know, I know, scale weight isn't that important, BUT 193 *was* the lowest I had ever been, 2 years ago, the 'first' time I got into shape. Making 193 would mean I've exceeded my previous efforts which would be a great morale boost.

Also, I am significantly stronger now then I was then, so fat % wise I'm sure I'm ahead of where I was then.

Contest still has 5 weeks to go or so; the progress isn't coming as fast as I've hoped, but I'm sticking with it and hoping I'll get a couple 'large drops' as my body gives up and just burns the fat!

Spoon! :db: :bb: :jumping: :spaz: :eat:

-Allen

OK Now I'm pissed :) Hovered at 194.00 for two days, then crept up to 194.20 for two days (now).

I know the weight on the scale isn't that important, but I *WANT THE DAMN THING TO SAY 193.XX!!*.

This is important, psychologically, for me to continue to be motivated to continue my transformation.

I've been eating perfectly and exercising all three days (and will exercise tonight as well)...Normally I would have become depressed and ate a whole box of cookies or something on the third day which would have caused a short term gain of 2-3 lbs or so. Then it would slowly lower back down again.

This time, I'm NOT cheating until it says 193.xx ... That actually sounded bad, I don't PLAN on cheating when it does finally drop into the 193's, but you know what I mean.

Anyway, GRR. HULK SMASH

-Allen

Well, BIZARRE. The scale never did say 193. The next day it dropped to 192.00

Bizarre! But I'm happy. That is 8 pounds lost recently, 16 pounds total.

Continuing the fat loss! I had been overestimating my Calories burned, when I compensated, and then ate less as a result, progress started rapidly!

-Allen

Then the scale dropped to 190.8 (lowest I've ever weighed, since starting any sort of fitness program.

Then, I got into a bike accident and got a chest wall contusion. It is bad enough the doctor told me not to ride my bike and CERTAINLY not to lift any weights for at least a month.

Now my scale says 197 because I've been eating like crap and I feel like crap! Argh...And "owuch"

Other then that, I'm doing good and trying to get my food back in order for when I can work out again!
-Allen