This is an attempt to understand the place that I find myself at in my life and to ask for opinions and or advise from others (primarily to obtain an unbiased point of view).


Brief History: A few years ago I weighed in at 132 kilograms. I applied for life insurance and the policy was loaded substantially because I was overweight. I did not suffer from any weight related ailments and in fact was quite fit as I did a fair amount of hiking. I just ate too much and without thought or consideration. I made the decision to lose the weight and so over the next year and a half I lost 51 kilograms. I made fitness and health the central focus of my life. I have maintained my weight within a few kilograms for some time now. I am a father of two small children and husband to my wife. Both my wife and I work full time in demanding jobs in order to make enough money to live and save some for our kids future.


The Present: Recently I started a new job that requires a great amount of mental effort (software engineering) and study on my part. My wife has been recently promoted into a very busy management position, both moves were necessary in order to further our careers and ensure a reasonable income for our family. So there has been a fair bit of stress in our lives recently. To make things worse I seem to have a few issues related to health and fitness that are making things worse. While losing my weight I became obsessed with the process, and measured, weighed and analyzed every morsel I ate with increasing fervor. I began to alienate my family and friends, not to mention driving myself crazy so recently I made the decision to relax. I told myself that I had lost the weight and that if I just ate in moderation, continued to exercise a couple of times a week then I would be fine. Seem reasonable enough, but as it turns out I can't do that. I have been binging for about three weeks now and I am sick of it. I feel terrible both mentally and physically. The dilemma now is what to do? Go back to my strict and obsessive diet and exercise plan, and continue to alienate my family and friends as well as put massive amounts of extra stress on myself or continue to relax and enjoy food and life, and slowly gain my weight back again. When I was fat I never gave my appearance a second thought, well almost never, the only time I ever worried about it was at the beach or the doctors. My wife never had a problem with me and neither did any of my friends or family. Now I am obsessed with every little flaw and lingering bulge of fat, I can barely look at myself in the mirror yet I can't seem to stop looking. I lost the weight for myself and to be honest I love being lean, it feels nice and comfortable and it feels good to be healthy and fit but I can't handle the stress of maintaining it. I have to get up for gym at 5 in the morning to be home by 6 to get the kids up and ready for school, then I rush off to work. I get home and cook, bath the kids and make meals for the next day. Then I have to study and/or work before bed at 9 or 9:30, as I need at least 7 but preferably 8 hours sleep or I have terrible trouble concentrating at the office and while studying. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday are my wifes mornings for gym and mine are Tuesday and Thursday. I try to get in a mountain bike ride on the weekend too but don't always get a chance.


The problem I have is one of balance, I can't seem to find the middle ground. I can't seem to find the place where I can enjoy food and life as well as fitness and health. I have soul searched long and hard about this and I often have very good solutions but I never seem to be able to implement them.


I hate complaining and really thought long and hard about posting this but in the end I decided that it makes no difference whether anyone considers this a bad list of excuses or an irritating post about some poor guy's problems, it feels better to simply put it out there. I know full well that others have far more difficult lives than me, I live in a third world country, so I see it every day and I know that I should be grateful and happy for what I have but somehow, somehow I am so unhappy with this imbalance in my life.

I think that you are taking the first step by posting this and it makes perfect sense. Of course you don't want to be fat again and you won't be if you stay on top of it.

Maybe now is a good time to loosen the reigns a bit and start bulking. That way you can loosen up a bit on the calories and pack on some muscle in the mean time while clearing your head. It will also be motivating to get into the gym and hit it hard and see some awesome results.

Just set yourself a limit of how much you are willing to gain, because you will probably put on a bit of fat, and when you reach that point, then stop bulking and cut down.

Kind of kills 2 birds with one stone. I went through a similar type thing and I try me best now to concentrate on my good body parts instead of my flaws. It makes looking in the mirror much funner. You have come to far to give up, that would not be fair to yourself.

Well I completely understand the lack of time. About the best I can suggest is to compress the workouts into what you can schedule, and then make sure you get that work in. Work hard, and you will not run health risks from a more relaxed diet. You might not go around looking like Jay Cutler, but you can be healthy.

I think that you are taking the first step by posting this and it makes perfect sense. Of course you don't want to be fat again and you won't be if you stay on top of it.

Maybe now is a good time to loosen the reigns a bit and start bulking. That way you can loosen up a bit on the calories and pack on some muscle in the mean time while clearing your head. It will also be motivating to get into the gym and hit it hard and see some awesome results.

Just set yourself a limit of how much you are willing to gain, because you will probably put on a bit of fat, and when you reach that point, then stop bulking and cut down.

Kind of kills 2 birds with one stone. I went through a similar type thing and I try me best now to concentrate on my good body parts instead of my flaws. It makes looking in the mirror much funner. You have come to far to give up, that would not be fair to yourself.

Hi there,

Thanks for the replies. I have considered bulking and have given it a go once before (albeit briefly) but my goals are not to get any heavier, muscle wise or fat wise. As my hobby/sport of choice is mountain biking I have to be as light as possible for that. In fact one of the things that I did to reduce my stress is release myself from the idea of bodybuilding as I found it very taxing to keep trying to gain muscle while keeping low body fat levels. I view any lingering fat on my body as a failure and the first steps towards gaining it all back again. The thing is I was happier when I was fat, I am happy to be lean but thats the only thing I am happy about now whereas before I was content in general, even though I was fat. Its really confusing me and I don't know what direction to take. On the one hand I can stay lean and work hard at keeping it that way (and be happy for it) or I can focus more on my career and other interests and let myself go. Well at least thats the way I see it, which is why I am asking for opinions.

Thanks for the replies guys, its great to know that there are people out there who I can relate to.

I think you’ll find many of us out there that can relate! As a full-time working mother with two school age, very active kids, time is precious. I often cycle between maintenance and losing weight, because life gets too hectic for me to stick with the strict calorie counting, 2 workouts a day routine I need to lose weight. But I also discovered the hard way; maintenance doesn’t mean you can go back to the way life was before you lost the weight. It still takes work, just not as much and not as strict.

While you don’t have to go fully back on that strict, obsessive, calorie counting/ workout schedule that you needed to lose weight, reality is you still need a plan and you still have to make health a top priority. It doesn’t have to sit at the number one spot as it did while you lost the weight, but you’re not going to be able to maintain the loss without thinking about it. I think many people confuse “relax” with “stop”, which is how and why most people will gain it all back. Relax simply means to allow the flexibility to live life a bit fuller. To maybe miss a workout once in a while (and I mean ONCE in a while), so you can get that extra hour of sleep after being up late study for a test. To not hit the panic button when you go to a family BBQ, but instead enjoy sampling a little while visiting with family, with the thought of maybe being a bit more diligent the following week.

Make the plan… have you taken the time to figure out what your maintenance calories count should be? Have you figured out an average week worth of meals that fit that calorie range? Have you given it enough variety to not drive you insane? When you binge, what thoughts are you having that allow you to talk yourself into the binge and have you planned your way out of one? Are you still eating the right kinds of foods, or have you let the old foods that made you fat in the first place creep back in?

And workouts… do you really believe two workouts a week are going to be enough to maintain any real level of fitness? I know it wouldn’t do it for me, or for most that I know. But it doesn’t mean you can’t put together a good workout routine. Get workout tapes that you can do from home on the mornings you wife goes to the gym. Take a much needed stress break and walk for 30mins on you lunch hour. In the evenings, put the kids on their bike and jog behind them for 20-30 mins. Honestly... the list goes on, if you can get creative enough, and it’s easy enough to include the whole family instead of alienating them. Add to that, how much of a stress reliever a good sweat really is and I bet you’ll find yourself in better spirits if you managed to find time to do something most days of the week.

Life is hectic, especially when you add work, marriage and kids into the equation. Finding balance isn’t easy... if it was there wouldn’t be so many shrinks making the big bucks around here. But you do have to remember balance means including EVERYTHING into the mix. As much as you think you might be happier fat, I think you’ll find the case not to be true once you got there and then you’d have lost all that ground you worked so hard to earn.