Hi, I was wondering what your take on this was. I've in the last few years lost about 90 lbs and i've been really getting into weightlifting the past couple years of those and have gained a somewhat muscular physique. My girlfriend told me that she does not like how I look now and I think she would prefer it if I stopped going to the gym. I am putting mass on to fill out some residual looseness, and i'll forever be with it if I don't put some mass on, so naturally, I am torn... and very depressed.

She also knows how important fitness has become in my life and how much I enjoy doing it and enjoy the rush. It has helped me in so many ways, mentally, physically, as far as helping to end a hard drug habit and dependency in my life.

Wow it's usually the other way around. Here in Miami you would probably be worshipped by hot girls for having a muscular physique as you say.
It's obvious working out has changed your life and kept you out of trouble. Have you tried encouraging her to work out with you so she can feel what you feel about being fit?

My girlfriend told me that she does not like how I look now and I think she would prefer it if I stopped going to the gym.

It has helped me in so many ways, mentally, physically, as far as helping to end a hard drug habit and dependency in my life.


Huh?!?!:mad:.....maybe it's time to go solo, or find another girlfriend who supports you. This has also happenned to me on a few occasions, and I always end up dumping the GF. :nod:

Good luck buddy! And stay strong! :tu:

What would she think if you told her she was too fat and needed to lose weight?

Both situations are equally as rude and insensitive I would think.

could she be afraid that you're going to attract a lot more attention from other women? maybe she's insecure with how you feel about her.

is she not in very good shape? another reason for her lack of enthusiasm about your transformation may be that she is afraid of you judging her for her bad eating/working out habits.

just a couple ideas. good luck with your problem, and congrats on the weight loss :)

I've tried encouraging her to workout but she does not like it. She believes it is my responsibility to accompany her to the gym and work out with her and show her what to do if I love her. I've gone as far as to actually accompany her to the gym, and show her what to do, but she still found reasons not to go, and believes she gets headaches and ill from working out too long. I do not hold this against her, it may just not be for her, I assume. She had astham growing up.

Stop going to the gym? Stop entirely?

I adore my husband. I adored him when he (and I) were in fabulous shape, and I adore him now that he (and I) are in not-so-fabulous shape. I'd adore him if he weighed 300 pounds, or 120.

I'd prefer it if he would exercise more because he's got some risk factors and I'd like to see him healthier, and in fact I encourage this in deed and word, but I will love him sick or well, fat or skinny, for the rest of my life.

Have you discussed what exactly it is that is bothering your girlfriend? Maybe it's a little deeper than your look.

Sounds like she's getting jealous of your new look and fears you attracting a lot of attention from the opposite sex. Having you "fat" in her mind, assures her in a very distorted manner that you are forever "her's" and no one else will want you. However, being lean/mean/tanned/buff/etc., has her sh*tting in her pants w/envy and jealousy.

It sounds to me as if she wants to hold you back, and that's not a good trait to have from someone who is supposed to be your close partner and a partner in love, for that is not representative of true love.

Just my take on it.

~SC~

Sound like she thinks it's taking time away from the 'relationship', especially if she wants you in the gym with her.

Seriously - I personally would watch out for that, but then I've always needed my own space to do stuff anyway. Even with 3 young kids I go for 1-2 days camping by myself and a weeks vacation every year or two.

At one point my wife was getting a bit annoyed with all the time I was spending in the gym, particularly in the evenings. But then she realized I was miserable if I didn't work out, and that part of it was that I really, really need 'my time'.

Now she accepts that less quality time with me is better than more 'aggravated' time.

I agree with Queenie's sentiments wholeheartedly. I think they are wise words.

As far as I can see there are three possible reasons for this:
She is not naturally attracted to slim, muscular men.
She is worried that other women will find you attractive, and you will leave her for them.
She feels confused (and possibly threatened) because you have changed from a situation from when you were dependent on drugs (and possibly her) to a situation where you are in control of your own life within a relatively short period of time.My humble opinion is that you must carry on doing what is best for you personally.

But also if you really love her, then you need to address the things she is feeling. You've said yourself, you have changed both mentally and physically in a short period of time. That is going to be difficult for her, and she needs to know that you still want to be with her as much as you used to.

Also, in terms of helping her, maybe less is more. Point her to this website, or try to get her to sign up with a personal trainer. Subtle prodding, and then leaving her to discover fitness herself may be better than getting involved yourself.

All the best, and well done with what you have achieved so far :tucool:

I've tried encouraging her to workout but she does not like it. She believes it is my responsibility to accompany her to the gym and work out with her and show her what to do if I love her. I've gone as far as to actually accompany her to the gym, and show her what to do, but she still found reasons not to go, and believes she gets headaches and ill from working out too long. I do not hold this against her, it may just not be for her, I assume. She had astham growing up.
I had the EXACT same experience with my girlfriend. In the end I said thats fine if you dont want to workout at the gym or eat healthy, but its your choice and this is mine, so I dont want to hear any more shit about being at the gym taking up all my time. which brought me to my next point .........


At one point my wife was getting a bit annoyed with all the time I was spending in the gym, particularly in the evenings. But then she realized I was miserable if I didn't work out, and that part of it was that I really, really need 'my time'.

Now she accepts that less quality time with me is better than more 'aggravated' time.
I have found that once she relaxed about me going to the gym 4 nights a week, what time we did spend together is now 100x nicer then when we just sat together watching TV all the time (or playing on our computers or something). How does that saying go, "time apart makes the heart long......" or something like that.



She is not naturally attracted to slim, muscular men.
She is worried that other women will find you attractive, and you will leave her for them.
She feels confused (and possibly threatened) because you have changed from a situation from when you were dependent on drugs (and possibly her) to a situation where you are in control of your own life within a relatively short period of time.


Does that even happen?
This is more then likely at least part of it, women are weird like that.
Ditto on number 2.

not to be a total dick, but



ok, actually, i am a dick, so in order to be a total dick,



is she fat?

wtf

'stop working out'

kick her ass to the curb, you're bettering yourself especially over the addiction you previously had. i applaud you, now show her the door.

I would not be the least bit surprised if there are some "control" issues at work here. Does she tend to want it "her way" in other aspects of your life as well? I had a (now-ex) girlfriend who plain and simple didn't like to see me do anything unless she felt like it was her idea.

I'm not trying to stir up trouble that isn't there, so if I'm off base on this just ignore me. ;)

She probably feels that she has lost her control over you. Why do you think the Doctor tried to kill Frankenstein after he created him? He lost control.
A lot of women feel like they need to control thier mate, that is why they are very willing to fatten them up. It serves a two fold purpose. You will become dependant on them for food. You will also feel less attractive and stay with them by default because your self esteem will be at a lower level.
Controlling the food supply is the easiest way to control somebody, whether it be someone you care about or an entire nation of people. Look at Africa, controlling the food supply is every dictators first priority, it keeps the natives in check.
You have broken that cycle by your hard work and independence and she is threatened by that. You should be proud of yourself because you are a man of action.

could she be afraid that you're going to attract a lot more attention from other women? maybe she's insecure with how you feel about her.

is she not in very good shape? another reason for her lack of enthusiasm about your transformation may be that she is afraid of you judging her for her bad eating/working out habits.

just a couple ideas. good luck with your problem, and congrats on the weight loss :)

This pretty much sums it up right here. I hate to be blunt, but she sounds kind of like a pill. You're doing something you love, and that doesn't work for her...it's your life man. What more is there to say?

@sevenatenine:

I believe what you're looking for is, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

@sevenatenine:

I believe what you're looking for is, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."
Thanks, thats exactly what I was looking for.... I kinda missed the ball on that one though :bang:

i would sit her down with a glass of water, and do what 99% of the time they want us to do, and thats talk to them.. explain slowly(this always works for me) why you go to the gym, either fitness, healthyness, selfsteem what ever.. looks like she doesnt understand you that well, if she does, then i would leave her for good.

just my opinion.
Good luck!

Goodness, such venom.

She might be a very nice person with many fine qualities. Why not find out what is really bothering her before you decide you have to break it off?

There does have to be some balance. I'd be a little ticked if my (wonderful, amazing) husband suddenly began spending 15 hours a week at the gym. It's not like we have enough time together anyway, subtracting that much together time would be a big change to make; I certainly wouldn't do that myself without talking it over, because at my house the marriage comes first.

I'm not saying that he's right or she's right, but that maybe (a) there's an underlying issue that could benefit from seeing the light of day and (b) there might be some wiggle room for compromise.

And if it's true that she's got needs that you can no longer meet, then yeah, maybe it's time to think about what comes next.

Goodness, such venom.


We prefer the term "candor". :D

But jokes aside, I have faith in humanity at large, it's just that this is one of those situations I've been in so many times, that ended with the same inevitable conclusion, that I felt comfortable offering what must have been pretty "bleak" advice...better to at least hear it than to waste time and emotion feeling that you're the one doing something wrong. I'm sure a lot of people in this thread felt the same way. This is textbook behavior.

I've tried encouraging her to workout but she does not like it. She believes it is my responsibility to accompany her to the gym and work out with her and show her what to do if I love her. I've gone as far as to actually accompany her to the gym, and show her what to do, but she still found reasons not to go, and believes she gets headaches and ill from working out too long. I do not hold this against her, it may just not be for her, I assume. She had astham growing up.

Sounds like she is insecure about herself. I would go with her to the gym if I were you. I've been begging the wife to go with me. I dont mind helpin... She probably doesnt know what to do. But if she still is holding you back after you help... leave!

Textbook what? I can think of many motivations for this behaviour, some of which have nothing at all to do with jealousy. That said, it's certainly possible that the relationship isn't going to work anymore. However, it's pretty premature to decide this based solely on what's posted...unless working out is The Most Important Thing, in which case there aren't a whole lot of girlfriends out there that are going to be OK with that.

Which is fine, if that's what you want. But don't blame the girl.

A textbook control issue. It doesn't have to be working out, it could be competing as a figure skater, discovering an abstract art talent, deciding that you want to live in Brazil, etc. The bottom line is that he's aspiring to exercise a little personal improvement and she's not having it. Working Out certainly doesn't need to ever be the Most Important thing, conversely I would argue that no Relationship, either, should take priority over one's efforts to realize their individual aspirations.

Of course it's worth talking to her, and looking for a compromise. But, there have been several posts in the thread describing behavior that, IMHO, did not look like the behavior of a person who will be candid, understanding, or compromising about what she wants or expects. Telling someone you don't find them as attractive as they get more fit, faking illness in order to put the foot down on working out, etc. I'm sorry, but that's manipulation.

A textbook control issue. It doesn't have to be working out, it could be competing as a figure skater, discovering an abstract art talent, deciding that you want to live in Brazil, etc.


I don't think getting upset when one's significant other has decided to move across the planet can necessarily be boiled down to a simple "control issue," and the same can be said for the original poster's situation.

My general feeling about this thread is that we don't have nearly enough information to see what's up with the original poster's relationship, and why he and his girlfriend aren't seeing eye to eye. It could be control, it could be jealousy, envy, or it could be genuine concern, or a genuine feeling that the original poster is sacrificing relationship time for gym time. We just don't know.

Unfortunately this is a common occurence. People close to you, family, friends, or in your peer group will sometimes try to sabotage what ever challenge you are taking on. This is mainly out of fear.

I guess you can ask 'why' all you want but you may be at a crossroads in your life to go to direction B. Unfortunately this direction may be with out your loved one. I am sorry you are experiencing this. It's incredibly stressful and hard to deal with.

Hi, I was wondering what your take on this was. I've in the last few years lost about 90 lbs and i've been really getting into weightlifting the past couple years of those and have gained a somewhat muscular physique. My girlfriend told me that she does not like how I look now and I think she would prefer it if I stopped going to the gym. I am putting mass on to fill out some residual looseness, and i'll forever be with it if I don't put some mass on, so naturally, I am torn... and very depressed.

She also knows how important fitness has become in my life and how much I enjoy doing it and enjoy the rush. It has helped me in so many ways, mentally, physically, as far as helping to end a hard drug habit and dependency in my life.

No offence but,sorry.If my girlfriend is worried about me getting buffed and looking fantastic,I would dump her outright and look for another one.While many a case there is a fine line between "care" and "control-freak",this case it's a clear cut "control-freak/insecure" archetype mentality.

So long as there is no evident case for your sudden muscular gains(i.e. steroids,not saying that they're bad but some people get worried),I think it's fine.

Any girl who tries to control me in any form,beyond any damn logicial reason,gets the boot asap.Hmmm wait,maybe that's why I'm single

This scenario has happened so often with friends of mine, the ones that suddenly got motivated to "get in shape" (some of whom I turned on to John's site) that when they call to vent about their girlfriends'/wives' resistance to their new passion for fitness I can't help but roll my eyes because its become cliche'.

Most often in my experience, someone acting like her is doing so in part because of insecurity, in part because the decision to 'change your life' and get in shape is something proactive and she feels like she's being left behind, and in part because of guilt that you're doing something proactive and she's not. Human nature. There are all SORTS of motivators but this is classic behavior (and not just limited to girls obviously - i've seen plenty of guys get bent out of shape when their girlfriend/wife suddenly starts getting into shape or starting talking about getting breast implants let's say).

The psychology of WHY she's doing it (and your need to want to understand) is really IRRELEVANT and no matter how much time you waste trying to understand you won't EVER get any rational explanation from her (because there is none). I say the following *especially* because you indicated you kicked a chemical dependence:

DO NOT STOP GOING TO THE GYM.

I've been there/done that myself at various points in life hanging with the wrong crowd and/or engaging in self-destructive behavior in college days. I've even tried anti-depressants thinking that I was just "depressed" at certain low points - and actually I wasn't nor did anything help.

Instead, what helped me most of all, and the thing that's been the tentatively permanent fix has been getting PHYSICALLY fit such that my mind and body formed a new connection. Eating right and exercising are the ONLY thing that have changed my life.

As selfish as it might sound YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU, especially given your past. This is life and death we're talking here, no joke. Remind yourself: YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE, AND YOU HAVE NO TIME FOR PEOPLE THAT HOLD YOU BACK.

If she's continuing to be a leg weight, I would very calmly sit her down and tell her that you are going to do what you are going to do which is be healthy, and if that's a problem then you have to continue on your own. I wouldn't leave it open to discussion or debate because there is none.

Good luck and remember many other people go through this so do NOT under any circumstances change your new healthy lifestyle including working out and eating right just to try and stop her from rocking the boat.

I've had a similar experience twice and realised that in both cases my (ex-)boyfriends didn't understand how important the gym is for my general feeling of satisfaction with life. they saw the gym as their competitor for my attention...it was very difficult to discuss the issue with them.

In the meantime I found someone who is equally "obsessed" with a healthy lifestyle as me and I can't emphasise enough what a relief it is to be with someone who understands without explanation.

In any case, do not stop going your way if it makes you feel good about yourself!

My general feeling about this thread is that we don't have nearly enough information to see what's up with the original poster's relationship, and why he and his girlfriend aren't seeing eye to eye.
Word. Not enough info. Could be a control issue (on her part) could be a control issue (on his part) could be that they used to have time together and now he spends all of that time at the gym and she needs more face time (not a crime, but maybe the relationship won't work as is anymore) etc etc etc. There just isn't enough info to tell.

What is almost certainly true is that if nothing changes, they probably won't be together a year from now. Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing...again, not enough info to tell.

I dont think its a control thing... How long have you been together? if youve been together a long time (years), then its not control. If you you have been working out for some time now (12 weeks or so) she feels that you are putting something else on the priority list in front of her. If she HAS been supportive in the past then she needs some support in something that she wants to accomplish. Her tactics may be a little contradicting to what she wants but something is up with her and it has nothing to do with you or your commitment to your health and well being. And remember this from someone who knows, if you are looking hotter and cutter and sleeker every week - she is getting fatter and lazier and worthlesser (i know its not a word but it works here) good luck with figuring it out - its not you dude!

there are alot of girls and only one you.

Choose wisely, to the curb with her......aaarggh!:madpimp: