I have a friend who since I met has always been overweight. By no means obese, but still quite a bit overweight. A couple years ago she decided it was time to lose the weight so she started working out and eating right. She lost 20 or 30lbs, not sure exactly how much but her looks improved dramatically. She hit a wall at that pont and for the past year or so shes been loosing a couple lbs and gaining a couple lbs, not really improvement. But she seemed to keep the weight off for the most part. Thats the good thing, the bad is the reason she decided to lose weight is to make her BF happy. From what she tells me the guy is always comparing her to 5' tall 90lb asian women and telling her shes never going to look like that, which of course drives her insane. She works very long hours and some of this is speculation but from how shes been acting I think shes been skipping out on workouts, not eating as well, and some of the weight is coming back. I've always worried about her going down the wrong path when it comes to losing weight and thought she might be the kind of person who could develop eating disorders. Since she was doing everything right I figured she would be ok. However, now shes talkin about starving herself and I'm really concerned she might actually do it. I'm not sure exactly where I'm going with this and I hope she never reads this but I think I need some advice on how to help her. Maybe from someone who has been through something similar. I dont know how I could boost up her self esteem high enough to where she doesnt care what her BF says and eventually dumps him.

the reason she decided to lose weight is to make her BF happy. From what she tells me the guy is always comparing her to 5' tall 90lb asian women and telling her shes never going to look like that, which of course drives her insane.

......

I dont know how I could boost up her self esteem high enough to where she doesnt care what her BF says and eventually dumps him.


Hi menaztricks,
ugh, that's a tough situation. I don't know that you can boost her self esteem for her. How close of a friend? Is she willing to accept your advice or help with weight loss and exercise? You can probably do more good from her from that angle. If she's someone you can go with to workout at the same time, or who you can go hiking with or anything you can invite her to get her away from that situation now and then. And if she herself becomes pleased with the way she feels from exercising and eating right, she might develop the strength to leave this guy.

I've gone out with a few guys like that, and eventually you have to get fed up enough to dump them, and you have to develop an attitude where you're not going to accept having a boyfriend who really wants someone else, or who is basically being emotionally abusive. I think just getting away from that situation for any amount of time and seeing that not everyone is like that is a good start.

I've never been with a guy like that so i really wouldnt know what to tell you. But Butterflyer's hit the nail on the head. I wouldnt spend another day with this person. On the other hand she could be equally mean and start pointing out his deficiencies and start comparing him to other men. Ever heard of the mirror image self.

I'm really not sure how much can be done to pull a person up from low self esteem. I've been there, myself, and no one could really reach me. Of course, I was also suffering from extreme clinical depression.

My only suggestion, and I can't guarantee that this will work, is to stop your friend when she brings up starving herself, or complains about her boyfriend putting her down for not being tiny, and start off with something like, "Listen. I'm really concerned that what you are doing is unhealthy." If she gets defensive, that way you can bring up that she was just talking about it, as proof.

You could also try asking her to think about what she's doing, and if it's really her that wants to be this thin, or her boyfriend.

I'd be careful about putting down the boyfriend, though. That could result in her insulating herself and her dependance on him even more. I know, I had a friend with a controlling boyfriend. Our distance only worsened when I tried to point out that he was controlling her life.

Just reinforce the positive: that she should be keeping herself healthy and active. Stay away from negatives like "I think your boyfriend is a controlling bastard who doesn't actually love you." Once she gets the confidence back from putting her health first, she can be the one to deal with dumping the bastard (possibly with a bit of encouragement, once she's regained some independent thought).

Best of luck... But if she won't listen, remember that it's the best you could do. We as adults are ultimately responsible for ourselves, and it's up to her to make the decision.

What really helped my issues with self-esteem and depression was working out and eating right so I knew I looked better and project that image outward to everyone I meet. I agree, be positive, but in the end she has to find the happiness for herself.

She needs to know that she can get any guy she wants and has to feel beautiful and secure about herself. You could possibly help (if genuine) by keeping that in mind.

Good luck!

You sound like a good and caring friend. I think the only thing you can do is too keep telling her how valuable she is . She has too discover her own self-worth unfortunately she is still trying to discover that through some one elses eyes. Hopefully one day she will discover her own inner beauty and strength and until that happens all you can do is be a good friend. She is the one has too want to change.

I don't know if there's much you can do. I don't want to sound critical, but until she makes up her mind to lose the weight and get healthy FOR HER, she's going to develop unhealthy habits regardless of what anyone says. Maybe you should try and explain to her that this is for HER and not HIM? If anything, maybe she'll realize when she fails. That's what happened to me...

My weight has yo-yo'd my entire life, but when I was 18, I developed anorexia and bulemia because I wanted to look hot for other people. I lost 60 pounds, but keeping it off was a struggle, and I quickly put back on those 60 pounds, plus 40 more. It was when I made the decision to lose the weight and get healthy for me, that my lifestyle changed, and the weight came off FOR GOOD. For some people, mere words do the trick, while others must find their rock bottom.

WOW, I'm impressed by your before/after pic. Awesome!
:tucool: