Any advice before 2 p.m. Central today would be great.
But I can appreciate how that might be unrealistic to hope for.

Basically, my son's school did not communicate clearly.
They set-up a "Senior Skip Day" for seniors to, well, party.
They called the day an "excused absence" for seniors.
The whole senior class (small private school) has of course
been looking forward to this "cheat day" like a highlight of their year.
So there's this beach condo or something that's been rented.

But there's a conflict.

There is a track meet scheduled for the same day - TODAY.
Coach told son that any seniors skipping the meet are off the team.
That of course would screw his season, state-level competition etc.
And yet, my wife, when asking Coach about Skip Day, last week,
was told (paraphrasing) "it's OK [to miss the meet] for excused absences."
She even e-mailed an assistant principal about the "mixed message"
[taking care not to implicate Coach, whom we all respect a lot].
The principal's reply basically was that the excused absence is for CLASSES.
But not for athletics obligations.
Son's reaction is basically, "Oh NOW they tell us!"

The son is pissed. He is at the beach party now. The wife is pissed.
I can't fix her. I e-mailed son last night, basically advising, NOT "directing,"
"You can party plenty later - don't diss Coach - go to the meet.
The meet is about something bigger than yourself. Skip Day is just a party."
He's supposed to decide by 2:00 today, and let wife know,
so that she can drive him to the meet (he's missing the team bus).

What would you do if you were my son?
Is the choice the slam-dunk that I think it is? Am I missing something?

I must add that son is candidate for Athlete of the Year, blah-blah...

This is a no brainer. Skip the party and honor the track commitment.

Now if the track coach does not keep his word about removing anyone that skipped the meet, you have a huge beef.

I had a similar problem in high school. Without going into too much detail, I was on the football team ( yes, I know :lol: ). My family had a big trip planned on the same day we had a game. When I told the coach about it, he was kind of taken aback and kind of insinuated that it would result in me riding the bench the rest of the year.

My parents let me make the choice: And in the end I chose to stay for the game. It was the fact that they let me choose what to do that mattered more than which choice I made. The best thing you can do is present him with the facts and let him choose. Whichever he does, he'll remember that it was his decision in the end.

This is a no brainer. Skip the party and honor the track commitment.

Now if the track coach does not keep his word about removing anyone that skipped the meet, you have a huge beef.

I agree with MarkY athough ultimately it is your sons decision. I am glad to see that you are treating him like an adult and not forcing him to make the meet. I hope I can do the same when the time comes.

You are right... the meet is more important than the party. But it's hard for your son to see that... he's partying with his friends. As long as he can leave the party (hey, at least he was there) and get to the meet (assuming he'll be in the right "condition" to compete) I would stress to him that he should do that. But if he decides that's not what he wants to do, let it go.

In my opinion, the final person you become is determined by all these little decisions you make along the way. I'm not saying that he should skip the party and follow the coach because that's not that important. Really! 1 year from now, 10 years from now, 50 years from now are you going to regret one decision or another. I doubt it. I graduated second in my class in high school. Do I regret not graduating first? No. It doesn't make a damn bit of difference. However, over the course of a lifetime, you try to make more of the right decisions than wrong.
In other words, make sure he knows the reasons he's making the decision he is making and the consequences of his actions. That's more important of a life lesson than going to some state track meet.
(Personally, I'd have him call his coach himself to tell him he can't go.)

I just hope he isn't drunk or high. :doh: That is what goes on during most senior skip days. If he was under the influence, I wouldn't let him go. But, assuming they left for the condo last night, then hung-over I would make him run. :evil:

work first, play later. he already had some fun at the party anyways, right?

I think it should be 100% his call to make. Whatever he decides, support that decision.

If I were your son, I would do what I choose.

If the meet is important to ME then I would come back. If it wasn't important to ME then I would stay. However, if he has a repsonbilibity to the team (i.e., helping the team win a league title, etc.), then he should go and forced to go (to honor his commitment).

I won't address the bigger picture(s) of teen drinking, drug use, forced athletic participation, etc. as those were not addressed in the original question per se.

Thanks to all!

Wife and I are definitely letting him make the choice, all on his own.
No word yet.

Really, I didn't mean to make my paraphrasing of my own e-mail to son
sound so "bossy." He'd blow me off if I took that tack, anyway.
Which at this stage of his life, is just fine by me.
I just don't want "Mommy" to be bailing him out so much anymore.
I don't know if she'll be able to let go, in the next few months.
GAWD! If you knew how often she's bailed him out for stupid little things,
I suspect most of you would be like me: ENOUGH ALREADY! GROW UP!

I like the point about perspective, i.e. considering how today's choices
might be viewed, remembered, of consequence etc., years from now.

I would not be surprised if some amount of drunken revelry occurs.
But if it did, I suspect the school (and parents) would do much more
than kick athletes off of teams. It's a fairly tight religious school.
And although there's been some wilder partying by some students,
there is not a history of wild stuff at these Skip Day events.
What idiots the seniors would be if they screwed-up this late!

Many thanks again to all - hope to be able to post again later on outcome.

If I was a teenager, I'd say screw the coach. If I was a mature decision-making adult, I'd say go to the meet and party later, just as u said.

Just got off phone with wife.

Son called Mom at 12:30 to say he'd hurt his ankle, horse-playing in the surf.
Wife/Mom counseled him to be sure the adult chaperones on the scene
knew about his injury, so Coach could rely on a credible, disinterested source.
(That was news to me, that any adult chaperone was there.
But it was good news - gave hope the students would not get too wild.)
Good advice IMHO, too, the wife's, that is...

So he is not going to the track meet, but may - MIGHT - have an "out."
I don't know what I'd do if I was Coach. (Son does shot put & discus.)
Assuming Coach believes his story, if I was Coach,
I might still tell him he's "out" for one meet - no bus ride,
no early out from class, etc., even if he recovers fully by the next meet.
(I don't know how many more meets are set for this season).

I asked the wife, but she didn't think to ask son,
as I was able to think of this in the comfort of my office:
"Did any of the other team members who split time between the party
and the meet, see him get hurt, and maybe take that message to Coach?"
That's probably the best "wild card" or "unknown" in this situation.

So there's a somewhat strangely twisted outcome for today.
It'll be interesting to see what follows over the next couple of weeks.
Will Coach kick off the seniors (if any) who did not go to the meet?
Even if, as is evidently the case with my son, there was reason to miss it?
Will Coach believe my son's story? No matter who tells it to him?

To be continued...

If this were my child I would really push him towards making the right decision. He's on the team, they are counting on him. No brainer here, good luck.

As the father of a 23 yr old son and a 19 yr old daughter, I've been through similar situations countless times. I would prefer that my son honor his obligation to the team and attend the track meet whether he's hurt or not. What I would actually do is to allow him to make his own decision.

When faced with these situations, I would discuss the two choices and the possible consequences, either good or bad, of each choice. If my son chose to risk being kicked off the team, I'd allow him to make that choice. If he did get kicked off the team, I would not to a thing to try to bail him out of the situation. He made the choice, it's up to him to figure out how to deal with the consequences.

I see it as learning process for the child. Your son will be making decisions for the rest of his life and most of them will be far more important than this one. He has to learn to make his choices and deal with the consequences.

Having said all of that, I never allowed my kids to make a life altering, irreversible decision because of their youthful inexperience. If missing the track meet leads to dismissal from the team which leads to the loss of a college scholarship which prevents him from being the next Olympic champion, I'd haul his rear end to the track meet.

So now, in addition to not being responsible enough to talk to the Coach about the skip day situation on his own, he's hurt his ankle partying? Sounds like he's got the "there's no 'i' in team but there's an 'm' and an 'e' attitude" down pretty well. Being part of a team involves making sacrificies for other people, just like any other relationship.

I agree that the decision is entirely his to make, but if I were in your shoes I don't think I'd be feeling very patient with any "woe is me" from him.

And every team I was ever on required that injured players dress and attend practices and games - showing support for and involvement in the team.

I really appreciate the good points and wisdom each of you have shared!

My son's gonna get his comeuppance, that's all I can think to say right now.
Now...letting myself think a little more before writing more...

Get this: Mom bailed him out AGAIN last night.
(I say, "bailed him out," but she and I had our interests to look after, too.
I'll get to the full story on that in a minute.)
At least we're not talking "jail bail" here...

I got home from work just minutes before son got home, a little before 8 p.m.
He was sunburned, of course. I asked him about his ankle.
"It's all right..."
He obviously did not go to the meet.
I asked, "Did anyone at the party leave, and go to the meet?"
"Yes."
"Did any of them know you got hurt, so they could tell Coach?"
"They left before it happened." [End. We both go to separate rooms.]
More obviously, he had decided not to go to the meet.

A few minutes later, I go to put the leash on the dog for a walk.
I notice son bending low, talking very quietly to my wife who was seated.
Noticing that (but not suspiciously), I start from the house with dog.
I get to the bend out of our cul-de-sac, and something makes me look back...
Something was "wrong with the picture," outside our house;
I had walked away and not "processed the picture" until that moment.

Son had come home - but WHERE WAS THE CAR HE DROVE?!
He had gotten a ride home. WHY?! I am thinking, WHAT the F-...?
At that precise moment, I notice wife and son getting into one of our cars.
So I finish rounding the bend, and stand in the middle of the street,
with dog, waiting, daring them to run me over, before I let them pass.
Wife pulls up, rolls down the window, doesn't come to a complete stop,
and speaking very quickly, says something like,
"He left some stuff back at the party long story tell you more later."
She can see by the look on my face plus my subtle body language,
I'm thinking about carjacking them. Before I could speak, she drives off.

I continued walking the dog, muttering out loud to myself,
"Just don't ask any questions, just keep going to work, keep that job,
and keep bringing home alllllll that MUNNN-Y...for us to use up!"
That's my role in this family's life:
just let everyone be as non-communicative as they want to be,
and DON'T BUY ANOTHER PACK OF GUM! WE MIGHT GO BANKRUPT!
(That's sarcasm.)

Turns out, he had left his keys in the open bed of a classmate's pickup.
The classmate was at the beach, but took the pickup to the track meet.
So when son went to drive his car from the party, he was stranded.
And our car was stranded, at the party house, many miles from home.
By a lucky break, the pickup was back in the school parking lot,
only a few miles from our house.
(Classmate must've driven back to the gym
for a late p.m. workout, or to use the shower, or...)
By more luck, the keys were still where son left them.
But that still meant that Mom had to drive him back to our stranded car.

So it was in my wife's and my interests to get our car back home ASAP.
We're talking Galveston - for anyone who knows what I mean:
not the safest town in America to leave your car at night,
and not the safest town to be driving around in, late at night.

Wife and son got back home a little before midnight;
People and cars were unscathed.
(The dog enjoyed her walk.)

I believe son's school was off for holiday today.
So we probably won't know Coach's decision until Monday.

I think that, for part of my son's comeuppance,
Coach ought to award him some "nothing" like "Tallest Senior" -
No, better yet: award him just some "Honorable Mention" of some kind -
but lose his trophy or placque or whatever before being able to present it.
Or maybe I could manage to just lose ALL the keys to ALL our cars...

I feel so much better after writing all this!
I fear that if I did not write, or could not write, I'd be out on the street,
looking for someone to pound on, kill and eat.

You'll have to keep us posted on what happens on monday. I enjoyed your telling of the story, and it probably made you feel better by telling it.

Now that I'm 25 I can say I would have gone to the track meet for sure, especially if up for some kind of award, If I was a bench warmer, or one of the kids who never made it past the first heat, I would have probably just had fun at the party. At 18 though, who knows? I wasn't exactly a social butterfly. I'd imagine that I still probably would have gone to the track meet, but that party would have been tempting.

I notice you didn't mention your son's ankle after seeing at home. Did he limp? Did he seem hurt in anyway? Or perhaps do you think it was a bit of an act?

I've been reading this since it popped up yesterday. Interesting... standing in your shoes, my $0.02 is that he should have honored his obligation to his team.

Standing in his shoes, my inner monologue would be something like this... "My friends are going to party. I want to party. Therefore, I'm going to party. I'll try to squeeze my way out of the situation with the coach after the fact. I'm a good performer on the team so it's likely I'll find a way out."

And his ankle may very well be a way out.

He's a smart kid with smart parents. And a smart kid, no matter how good he/she seems to be, are generally the ones to watch. He's a teenager. I.e., he's completely and totally manipulative when it comes to a self-centered thing like the party. It doesn't matter how "good" a kid is - I was a good kid. Good student, good athlete. But if there was something I knew I should do but didn't want to do - for whatever reason - I'd find a way out. Didn't matter to me how much I had to twist the facts or bend the truth, as long as I could make it believable - I was never one for lying, but I was a master of what I now like to call the lie by omission. And being that I was the oldest of two brothers, my parents were inexperienced with teenagers. The list of things I got away with would shock and astound.

What would drive me nuts about the whole thing is the wife enabling his behavior. Woof. I never got myself into binds my parents would have to bail me out of; they would have hung me out to dry.

Just some thoughts for the future.

-R

I must admit I don't like your wife's behavior. I have no children and was brought up in a lousy home with no up-bringing so I have no role model to comment from... But of course that does not stop me from posting...:lol:

Well, I wrote a pretty detailed expression of what I am hearing but it seemed to me like it was coming out too harsh...and I don't mean to do that. So I deleted it.

So this is my second try... please forgive me if I have failed... Sometimes, I have a very poor sense of how confrontational I am and counter productive...

But I get the feeling that your wife is role-modeling the behavior your son is adapting. His knowing he can come and whisper in her ear to help get him out of trouble, her keeping it from you what is going on.. what seems like must have been the later "excuse" for this is that "she had to get the car..!" Well that did not preclude dealing with it properly..which is for her to say directly to you... X left the keys in another boy's' truck and had to abandon the car. We are going to talk about this when we get back because this is a whole day of non-responsible behavior... but now I am going with X to get the car before anything happens to it."

But she didn't do that.. she did not present the parent united front which I think is really important... She presented a means for weaseling out of responsibility. She did it earlier in the phone call as well ("Did anyone see you hurt your ankle... so you can get out of your responsibility of going to the meet, party, and manipulate getting off from paying the consequences.")That's where your son is getting it from.

And I know that these kinds of dynamics are never unilateral.. Do you know what your part is in setting up this sort of triangulation? All I can hear is that you're extremely angry and frustrated and that you are angry with not only your son but your wife... But I cannot figure out the dynamic.... your role in particular. Not that I am saying it all hangs on you... or your wife.. or your son... but there is.. with regard to these issues .. not a healthy dynamic going on... And you are each playing your part... and unfortunately your son is not learning good behavior. There is a passive aggressive element to this.

But in fact the only thing you have control over is your own behavior. So if you can see what your role is in this dynamic, you can perhaps figure out what you should do differently. Once you break the cycle by doing something different in your conduct... the whole cycle comes apart... it doesn't matter where you break it.

Anyway.. that is all I can say... and I hope it is not too harsh.

I learned a lot from your relaying the events. You are a very good presenter. Even though there are some issues that seem to need to be addressed here, overall what I see is a caring family and parents who want to and do put out the effort to attend to their son... not something that should ever be taken for granted or assumed. It was nice to read and feel that. :nod:

Life is a pretty good teacher -- If he gets kicked off the team, he learns what happens when you let impulsive desires override your longer term goals. He made the decision, now he has to live with the consequences. No offense, but it might actually be good if the coach doesn't buy his phony injured-ankle story, and as a result, he gets kicked off the team -- why? Because then he'll learn that you can't necessarily rely on smoothing over your bad impulsive decisions later by coming up with a bunch of lies and phony stories.

Reading over some of these responses, I see some key words and phrases that jump out at me:
weasel out of responsibility
manipulative
impulsive desires
self-centred
twist the facts
bend the truth

I'm concerned that there is no display of integrity. It sounded like you thought the whole thing was resolved once your son had the excuse of hurting his ankle. To me, that was just the beginning.

This viewpoint is understandable at a teen level, but I can't overlook your wife's childish behavior. She is teaching your son there is no reason to do the right thing as long as he can project the impression that he is doing the best he can. Smoke and mirrors. He needs to get burned to see how damaging his game is.

Do not stand by and allow your wife to model this immaturity. Life is NOT a game, where the object is to fool as many people as possible.

Personally, if it were me in this situation, I would make sure that the son sufferred some consequences as a result of his irresponsible behavior. Hopefully, he will eventually learn to manage his actions in a more favorable direction instead of continually attempting to alter people's perceptions of the situation.

I asked the wife, but she didn't think to ask son,
"Did any of the other team members who split time between the party
and the meet, see him get hurt, and maybe take that message to Coach?"
That's probably the best "wild card" or "unknown" in this situation.

I could be wrong, but, to me, that's almost irrelevant.

My daughters coaches all know her well enough that her word is good enough. She doesn't need a backup witness. Something is wrong if your son is always having to provide someone to vouch for him as proof.

take away the damn car as a punishment! treat him like a child if he wants to act like one. i never had a car in high school and i think it prevented me from picking up some bad habits.

The whole dilemma was absurd to begin with. Senior skip day is a High School tradition, and always has been. Threatening to throw kids off the team for following a youthful tradition is just spiteful.

These idealistic notions of 'commitment' and 'integrity' are non-existent in the real world. Look at the corporate world, look at politics, divorce rates, yada yada. There is a hypocrisy at play, and there's something wrong in my mind with a coach who thinks so concretely. This is an unnecessary dilemma, and the coach's way of handling it is a classic mistake.

If I was in your sons position and my coach thratened to throw me off the team for enjoying my YOUTH and following an age-old tradition, I'd say 'good night, and good luck.' It's not about priorities and placing partying ahead of sports, it's about standing up for yourself... Now if the coach weren't an a-hole about it, I'd probably go to the meet on my own principles. But the moment he tries to scare me into making the meet, it ceases to become a choice --- it becomes something you're forced to do rather than voluntarily contribute to. You do these things because you want to, NOT out of fear. It's all about the attitude of the leaders, and in my mind a close-minded leader isn't worth following.

BoxedMigration makes some excellent points, and I was thinking the same thing after I made my original post. The coach's "order" was clearly out of line and to put this ultimatum on a high school senior is just wrong.

However, I still don't think the original poster's son handled it the correct way, and his mother did nothing to help the situation. I would have thought more of the kid if he just told the coach he didn't agree with his demand and said "see ya later". But by being deceitful (and his mother actions), he lost some points.

I'm sure there is a lesson here for several people.

The whole dilemma was absurd to begin with. Senior skip day is a High School tradition, and always has been. Threatening to throw kids off the team for following a youthful tradition is just spiteful.

These idealistic notions of 'commitment' and 'integrity' are non-existent in the real world. Look at the corporate world, look at politics, divorce rates, yada yada. There is a hypocrisy at play, and there's something wrong in my mind with a coach who thinks so concretely. This is an unnecessary dilemma, and the coach's way of handling it is a classic mistake.

If I was in your sons position and my coach thratened to throw me off the team for enjoying my YOUTH and following an age-old tradition, I'd say 'good night, and good luck.' It's not about priorities and placing partying ahead of sports, it's about standing up for yourself... Now if the coach weren't an a-hole about it, I'd probably go to the meet on my own principles. But the moment he tries to scare me into making the meet, it ceases to become a choice --- it becomes something you're forced to do rather than voluntarily contribute to. You do these things because you want to, NOT out of fear. It's all about the attitude of the leaders, and in my mind a close-minded leader isn't worth following.

Bravo. I couldn't agree more!

Interesting

The whole dilemma was absurd to begin with. Senior skip day is a High School tradition, and always has been. Threatening to throw kids off the team for following a youthful tradition is just spiteful.
I am unfamiliar with any tradition of skip day. If it's as traditional and sanctioned as you describe it to be, then the coach suddenly seems much harder than I assumed him to be.
These idealistic notions of 'commitment' and 'integrity' are non-existent in the real world. Look at the corporate world, look at politics, divorce rates, yada yada. There is a hypocrisy at play, and there's something wrong in my mind with a coach who thinks so concretely. This is an unnecessary dilemma, and the coach's way of handling it is a classic mistake.
Commitment is non-existent in marriage? Integrity does not exist in the corporate world? Whoa, I'm glad I know different people than you do!

If I was in your sons position and my coach thratened to throw me off the team for enjoying my YOUTH and following an age-old tradition, I'd say 'good night, and good luck.' It's not about priorities and placing partying ahead of sports, it's about standing up for yourself...
For the son to say "I'm sorry, I don't agree with your requirements" and then to make the choice not to remain on the team is a perfectly sound choice.

If he has a problem with the coach's rules, the right thing to do is to bring it out in the open and discuss that problem with the coach, not wish it away or manouever his way around it. I don't think he was wrong to skip the meet, I think he was wrong to be devious about it.

Now if the coach weren't an a-hole about it, I'd probably go to the meet on my own principles. But the moment he tries to scare me into making the meet, it ceases to become a choice --- it becomes something you're forced to do rather than voluntarily contribute to. You do these things because you want to, NOT out of fear. It's all about the attitude of the leaders, and in my mind a close-minded leader isn't worth following.
I wouldn't stay on a team with a close-minded leader either.

Well... this thread has taken an interesting turn, thanks to the perspective Boxedmigration has brought. I always have to remind myself that these things are never unilateral..everyone always plays a role... and here Boxed Migration points out the coach's role. No wonder the son felt the impulse to try to get out of the meet... such a requirement is being a spoil sport on the coach's part.

But again,these things are not unilateral. I know nothing of the world of high school sports... but doesn't "meet" mean that this high school team has a match with another team(s). Maybe the coach didn't have a choice about the meet. If that were true... then it was the coach's responsibility to try to work out a reasonable solution with the seniors on the team... that is part of his job as coach... of being a leader.

That is one of the factors that distinguishes a good leader from a bad one. A bad leader tries to use his position of authority to get his way whatever his personal goals are imperiously.. without regard for the feelings of those he leads. A leader who behaves that way does not realize that they are Dependant on their followers to be a leader... if they alienate them, the leader is no longer a leader but a tyrant... a petty tyrant, until removed form position (through dismissal or in larger contexts ... overthrow.)

A mediocre leader recognizes the importance of not alienating those he leads but deals with it in a cowardly way... by trying not to offend people. But that makes him ineffectual.

A good leader has a good vision... brings the vision to those he leads... seeks out hears the objections and concerns and then collaboratively fashions a solution to consider as much everyone's concerns. There will be inevitable impasses in which goals will conflict, that no solution can be fashioned that removes or reduces those conflicts... then the leader comes in to his role of authroity... he is the one who decides those hard choices which way to go... but as a good or even great leader... he makes the choice not based on his own personal goals but on what he assesses to the best of his ability what furthers the group as a whole, that maximizes the group's enhancement.

With little information in does not sound like the coach was doing the latter... so it sounds like he is in a bind... the meet is scheduled on this school's Seniors day.. of course his team members who are seniors want to participlate... how does he fashion a solution so that as many people get as much of what they would like. It does not sound like he has done this... it creates an atmosphere of bitterness .. and for those who are so inclined to solve problems... deviousness ..as with the son (and the mother) others, to abide but rant and rave , others to "stand up" and say "see ya" none of the solutions are good. This is as a result of the failure of the coach. And the mother. Both are in a position of leadership.. in different spheres... neither has handled their position well... and the son does not have in=enough maturity or insight (that is not necessarily a criticism.. he is young) to fashion a better solution... like initiating the conversation the coach should have initiated.

Wow... this is a truly interesting thread.. and I find it really insightful to hear what everyone thinks..

God, this forum is sooo impressive... I have learned so much...people are so intelligent here... so thoughtful... it is irrelevant that people have different points of views... it's that we all have intelligent different points of view....

Any further updates N2O?

I wonder how good of an athlete this kid is. Are we talking about someone who might get a scholarship? Is Coach an a-hole if he wants to prevent someone from blowing a full ride?

My coaches ALWAYS had the same stance when it came to skip days when I was in high school, and I am glad they did. I made a commitment and had a responsibility to that team. Let all of them down for some pizza and beer? What happened to loyalty and doing the right thing? :rolleyes:

What happened to loyalty and doing the right thing? :rolleyes:

AMEN! :claplow:

What happened to loyalty and doing the right thing? :rolleyes:
they don't exist anymore

I might be out of line when I say this, but you need to make sure your wife knows that yours' (I don't even think I can do that grammatically) son isn't going to have his decisions made for him and bailed out of in life.

I heard a quote one time that sounds like it fits.

"The only decision that will hurt you more than the bad choice, is the one you don't learn from."

She is hurting him more than she thinks. And I can understand that she loves him and all that jazz, but he has to become a man at some point in his life. And College isn't the place to do that. If you are picking up what I'm putting down.

What is he going to do in life when the shit hits the fan? Call mommy? I don't think that will fly, and neither should it.

I'm pretty sure you need to get serious about this issue and in a hurry.

Best of luck.

I'm so overdue for providing the "denouement" on this, it isn't funny!

I got choked-up reading everyone's inputs on this, feeling undeserving
of such conscientious attention. Seriously. Thanks to EVERYONE.
Anyone who thinks JSF isn't like a family (if you allow), isn't thinking straight.
And I mean a GOOD SOLID family!

This thread reinforces to me that wisdom is a diverse thing.
I mean, it's easy to think that wisdom always leads to one "best path."
But wisdom isn't like that. To be sure, wisdom rules-out some paths.
But it doesn't necessarily mean that one choice will always stand out,
preferable by far to one or more alternative choices.

My son is off the track team. Coach stuck to his guns.
Come Graduation Night, I hope I can catch up to Coach,
just to thank him again for how he's worked with my sons for years
(the other son graduated last year) - and for sticking to his guns.

Son has not acted outwardly like his booting meant much to him.
Unless I'm missing it, I don't see disappointment, bitterness etc.
He can be hard to know, but not because he's an "actor."
He just doesn't talk about it. I'm not going to bring it up, either.
But I know it had to hurt. He was eligible for state-level competition.
And I know he would have enjoyed the socializing with teammates,
at the meets, during the remaining practice days etc.
Fortunately he is not losing any scholarship or similar recognition.
He might not get Athlete of the Year, but it's a small school anyway.
This was never about some future trip to the Olympics or anything.
Thirty years from now, he'll probably look back and be glad he got cut,
so he'd have fewer distractions from his remaining academics.

I think my son got what he deserved. That doesn't make it easier to take.
But what does make it easier to take, is knowing and accepting
that he made the choice; he took his chances.
He might go on throughout life being all self-righteous about it,
but I can't stop him from that, either. (He'd be a poorer man if he did that.)
But so far I don't see any obvious sign that he felt he was done wrong.
If anything, I think I see subtle signs that he "got it." Or gets it:
some things, you just can't "wiggle out of." Ya gotta take your lumps.
I hope what I'm seeing, or think I'm seeing, isn't just my imagination!

So many of you had so many spot-on insights!
Bluestreak's "inner voice," I believe, was probably as close to truth as any.
I'd like to defend Coach against any mistaken impressions
that he was being unreasonable, to insist that son go to the meet.
But I'll just leave it here: I know Coach well enough, after many years,
to know that he was not being spiteful or selfishly obstinate.

The wife is a tougher nut; I think she still feels the school set up a no-win.
On that, I think she and I might forever agree to disagree.
I felt the principal's reply to wife's e-mail made the school's position very clear.
There is a tediously painful family history dating to before son was born
(the pain was my fault), that has resulted in - even if it doesn't explain -
her enabling or favoring of son. Because of that history,
I won't say I have given up confronting her when "mommying" him excessively.
But, that history does make it very tough for me to strike the balance,
to confront with the feng shui that I know is needed for her to "get it."
I wrestle mentally every day with the thought of having to accept
that she and he might have this "dysfunctional bond" all my life.

Son is going to be leaving home for college in a month or two.
He won't have a car - not one of ours, anyway. (HOOOOOORAYYYYYY!!!!)
I think he needs the separation as badly as Mom does.
How each of them handle it, though, of course is not up to me.
(I can't be sure how I'm going to handle it, for that matter.)

Thanks again to everyone who posted. You all helped me to think,
to reason and ultimately, to grow and feel much more at peace.
I hope to live long enough to one day hear my son say something
about this "dilemma" and whatever lesson about life he learned from it.
(I love him but I don't envy him for the lessons he has yet to learn!)

Peace to all!

Thanks for the thoughtful update... and yes we are a family....:)

I'm so overdue for providing the "denouement" on this, it isn't funny!

I got choked-up reading everyone's inputs on this, feeling undeserving
of such conscientious attention. Seriously. Thanks to EVERYONE.
Anyone who thinks JSF isn't like a family (if you allow), isn't thinking straight.
And I mean a GOOD SOLID family!

This thread reinforces to me that wisdom is a diverse thing.
I mean, it's easy to think that wisdom always leads to one "best path."
But wisdom isn't like that. To be sure, wisdom rules-out some paths.
But it doesn't necessarily mean that one choice will always stand out,
preferable by far to one or more alternative choices.

My son is off the track team. Coach stuck to his guns.
Come Graduation Night, I hope I can catch up to Coach,
just to thank him again for how he's worked with my sons for years
(the other son graduated last year) - and for sticking to his guns.

Son has not acted outwardly like his booting meant much to him.
Unless I'm missing it, I don't see disappointment, bitterness etc.
He can be hard to know, but not because he's an "actor."
He just doesn't talk about it. I'm not going to bring it up, either.
But I know it had to hurt. He was eligible for state-level competition.
And I know he would have enjoyed the socializing with teammates,
at the meets, during the remaining practice days etc.
Fortunately he is not losing any scholarship or similar recognition.
He might not get Athlete of the Year, but it's a small school anyway.
This was never about some future trip to the Olympics or anything.
Thirty years from now, he'll probably look back and be glad he got cut,
so he'd have fewer distractions from his remaining academics.

I think my son got what he deserved. That doesn't make it easier to take.
But what does make it easier to take, is knowing and accepting
that he made the choice; he took his chances.
He might go on throughout life being all self-righteous about it,
but I can't stop him from that, either. (He'd be a poorer man if he did that.)
But so far I don't see any obvious sign that he felt he was done wrong.
If anything, I think I see subtle signs that he "got it." Or gets it:
some things, you just can't "wiggle out of." Ya gotta take your lumps.
I hope what I'm seeing, or think I'm seeing, isn't just my imagination!

So many of you had so many spot-on insights!
Bluestreak's "inner voice," I believe, was probably as close to truth as any.
I'd like to defend Coach against any mistaken impressions
that he was being unreasonable, to insist that son go to the meet.
But I'll just leave it here: I know Coach well enough, after many years,
to know that he was not being spiteful or selfishly obstinate.

The wife is a tougher nut; I think she still feels the school set up a no-win.
On that, I think she and I might forever agree to disagree.
I felt the principal's reply to wife's e-mail made the school's position very clear.
There is a tediously painful family history dating to before son was born
(the pain was my fault), that has resulted in - even if it doesn't explain -
her enabling or favoring of son. Because of that history,
I won't say I have given up confronting her when "mommying" him excessively.
But, that history does make it very tough for me to strike the balance,
to confront with the feng shui that I know is needed for her to "get it."
I wrestle mentally every day with the thought of having to accept
that she and he might have this "dysfunctional bond" all my life.

Son is going to be leaving home for college in a month or two.
He won't have a car - not one of ours, anyway. (HOOOOOORAYYYYYY!!!!)
I think he needs the separation as badly as Mom does.
How each of them handle it, though, of course is not up to me.
(I can't be sure how I'm going to handle it, for that matter.)

Thanks again to everyone who posted. You all helped me to think,
to reason and ultimately, to grow and feel much more at peace.
I hope to live long enough to one day hear my son say something
about this "dilemma" and whatever lesson about life he learned from it.
(I love him but I don't envy him for the lessons he has yet to learn!)

Peace to all!

College should be a valuable chance for your son to grow and mature. It took me three years of poor academic performance in college to learn what I needed to know about life and myself. That hard work and responsibility are necessary for success. So I think patient love is the order of the day, which doesn't mean doormat love...

I wonder how good of an athlete this kid is. Are we talking about someone who might get a scholarship? Is Coach an a-hole if he wants to prevent someone from blowing a full ride?

My coaches ALWAYS had the same stance when it came to skip days when I was in high school, and I am glad they did. I made a commitment and had a responsibility to that team. Let all of them down for some pizza and beer? What happened to loyalty and doing the right thing? :rolleyes:

Bravo!
As to Boxed Migrations assertion that throwing your son off the team is "spiteful", because son chose to forget his commitment to his team, his school, and his parents, is absurd. The coach stated in advance what the consequences were, and son made his choice. Perhaps son has learned two important life lessons, which unfortunatly too few in our society haven't learned: Personal Integrity, and Responsibility for One's Actions. Being on a team is a privilege, and with that comes responsibility. Bravo to the Coach! I personally have no respect for a leader who does not have the integrity to lay out expectations, and then back them up. But I guess in your world, "standing up for yourself" is paramount to what you call the "idealistic notions of 'commitment' and 'integrity'" Thank God there are so many others who risk their lives for us every day. I guess if "standing up for yourself" was more important than "idealistic notions" such as commitment, integrity (and how about personal sacrifice and patriotism) we would have no soldiers, police officers, or firemen.

I'm sorry if this seems like a rant, but my grandfather and father were both combat veterans (WWI and WWII), so to me at least, commitment and integrity are more than just "idealistic notions"

Never2Old, imho, sounds like you are a very responsible and loving parent. If he doesn't already, someday your son will appreciate the times you were a FATHER, and not a buddy.

I wonder how good of an athlete this kid is. Are we talking about someone who might get a scholarship? Is Coach an a-hole if he wants to prevent someone from blowing a full ride?

My coaches ALWAYS had the same stance when it came to skip days when I was in high school, and I am glad they did. I made a commitment and had a responsibility to that team. Let all of them down for some pizza and beer? What happened to loyalty and doing the right thing? :rolleyes:

Bravo!
As to Boxed Migrations assertion that throwing your son off the team is "spiteful", because son chose to forget his commitment to his team, his school, and his parents, is absurd. The coach stated in advance what the consequences were, and son made his choice. Perhaps son has learned two important life lessons, which unfortunatly too few in our society haven't learned: Personal Integrity, and Responsibility for One's Actions. Being on a team is a privilege, and with that comes responsibility. Bravo to the Coach! I personally have no respect for a leader who does not have the integrity to lay out expectations, and then back them up. But I guess to some people, "standing up for yourself" is paramount to what he called the "idealistic notions of 'commitment' and 'integrity'" Thank God there are so many others who risk their lives for us every day. I guess if "standing up for yourself" was more important than "idealistic notions" such as commitment, integrity (and how about personal sacrifice and patriotism) we would have no soldiers, police officers, or firemen.

I'm sorry if this seems like a rant, but my grandfather and father were both combat veterans (WWI and WWII), so to me at least, commitment and integrity are more than just "idealistic notions"

Never2old, it sounds like you are a very wise and loving parent. If he doesn't already, your son will someday appreciate you for being a FATHER instead of a buddy. Best wishes to you and yours.