Hi, I think I must be adopted--I am the only person in my entire family on both parents' sides who exercises. My two sisters hate to exercise and are alcoholics (and one who smokes). I either run or swim everyday, (and play tennis in the summer and cycle one day a week in the winter) for the last 30 years. I love to exercise and at this age, it has proven to be highly beneficial, since my cholesterol/heart/bone density are that of a woman 20 years younger! So having said all that, every summer my completely non-supportive parents come up with their motor home and expect me to drive 60 miles in heavy shore traffic to sit in their claustrophobic motor home while they drone on about nonsense, like all their illnesses, doctors, all negative stuff, while I look through the window wishing I were anywhere else but there. My mother won't go outside (fear of bugs and sun) and my father of course, expects us to sit there and suffer. If they come to visit me, I can't get them outside to do anything, go for a walk, go to a ballgame, the pool, anywhere--it's my worse nightmare every summer! After living through 7 months of cold, ice and snow, I don't want to spend a minute indoors. If I visit them in Florida, (they live a block from the beach), we end up in a huge fight if I want to stay at a hotel so I can swim in the pool in the morning, or go on the beach. It's been hell.

I would love to know how others who love and live to exercise deal with situations like this, or am I wrong to feel so distressed? How do I deal with them again this summer? It's been 12 years of this agony! :d_frown:

How much time to you have to spend with them every summer? If it is more than a weekend I would tell them how I feel. If they can't deal with it it is their loss. Why should you be expected to spend the best time of the year according to their agenda??

my 2 cents..

How much time to you have to spend with them every summer? If it is more than a weekend I would tell them how I feel. If they can't deal with it it is their loss. Why should you be expected to spend the best time of the year according to their agenda??

my 2 cents..

Sorry, i should have clarified that--this is part of their game: they tell me they're coming up in "July" and never know when they're leaving, it could be a month or 2 months. I'm expected to see them every weekend and during the week. (I work full time and also attend part time college, and am a musician)

Sorry, i should have clarified that--this is part of their game: they tell me they're coming up in "July" and never know when they're leaving, it could be a month or 2 months. I'm expected to see them every weekend and during the week. (I work full time and also attend part time college, and am a musician)


personally, I would just lay down what I WILL be doing and tell them to deal with it... especially if they refuse to do anything... then they can decide to do something with you, or wait until you're done with whatever it is, to see you. set aside certain day's do just sit around with them, if they insist on that type of lifestyle, but don't let them dictate what you do. You are an adult and they need to realize that they can't control you (in my opinion). My in-laws (especially the older generation - grandparents) have a VERY hard time understanding my (and Bluestreaks) clean and healthy diet, but we got to a point that we just told them, live with it, this is how we eat now... this is the BEST course of action... just tell them that you want to be and stay healthy and that getting off of your butt inables you to do that. Explain to them that you don't want to have the illnesses and doctor visits that they are going through now and that by being active and staying healthy you will probably keep from suffering as they are now. That may be something that opens thier eyes and lets them know that you are doing something good for yourself... and if not.. make them deal with it.. just my two cents ;)

Hi, I think I must be adopted--I am the only person in my entire family on both parents' sides who exercises. My two sisters hate to exercise and are alcoholics (and one who smokes). I either run or swim everyday, (and play tennis in the summer and cycle one day a week in the winter) for the last 30 years. I love to exercise and at this age, it has proven to be highly beneficial, since my cholesterol/heart/bone density are that of a woman 20 years younger! So having said all that, every summer my completely non-supportive parents come up with their motor home and expect me to drive 60 miles in heavy shore traffic to sit in their claustrophobic motor home while they drone on about nonsense, like all their illnesses, doctors, all negative stuff, while I look through the window wishing I were anywhere else but there. My mother won't go outside (fear of bugs and sun) and my father of course, expects us to sit there and suffer. If they come to visit me, I can't get them outside to do anything, go for a walk, go to a ballgame, the pool, anywhere--it's my worse nightmare every summer! After living through 7 months of cold, ice and snow, I don't want to spend a minute indoors. If I visit them in Florida, (they live a block from the beach), we end up in a huge fight if I want to stay at a hotel so I can swim in the pool in the morning, or go on the beach. It's been hell.

I would love to know how others who love and live to exercise deal with situations like this, or am I wrong to feel so distressed? How do I deal with them again this summer? It's been 12 years of this agony! :d_frown:


I can somewhat relate.

I have a friend who really doesnt care to change their poor health and when I say something like "I spent 2 hours at the gym today" I hear "omg, why would you do that???" with a really nasty tone or when its "no thanks, I packed my lunch" its "Oh, your too good for my cooking now?". It's really annoying. But, when I am at my goal looking and feeling great and keeping up with my daughter on the playground and they are huffing and puffing just to get out the door I will be able to tell myself "THIS is why!!!!!!!!!!!!!" :claphigh:

I've got a really controling mom - although it took me way too many years to realize it. My dad died in December - and I found out that spending more time with her and doing more for her just gave her added opportunity to criticize. I finally had enough of hearing about everything I do wrong - from how I raised my kids, getting too thin, spending too much time at the gym, going out too much, etc, etc, etc. I confronted her and told her the constant negative comments were driving me away. I'm not sure if that was a good thing to do - we both felt bad, and the relationship has changed. But........I spent so many years trying to please everyone, that I never really found out what was right for me. Now that I've maintained a weight loss, gotten serious about working out and eating cleaner, I've gained enough confidence to do more things that make me happy. Time passes too quickly the older we get!

Wow, Karen, you hit the nail on the head, and good for you for telling the truth! It was painful for me to read your post--that's how things are when I am with my parents. Last year I drove to Florida to spend a week with them and from the instant I walked in the door, she started, "why did you dye your hair that color, I don't like it (I actually went back to my natural brunette color from the hideous fake blonde I'd been for too long!), to "oh god, another shower?" She was on me 24 hours a day, every move I made was ridiculed by her. Now imagine having your father there supporting all of this abuse. If I try to defend myself, he says "Don't talk to your mother that way." It's so stressful--I can feel my blood pressure going up the instant I know they're coming, so imagine how I feel while they are here. And of course, somewhat feeling guilty because I feel this way about them. They would be happier if I was a couch potato because then I'd be content to sit in the house all afternoon and entertain them. Instead, I'm thinking, "I could be outside playing tennis right now."

Wow, Karen, you hit the nail on the head, and good for you for telling the truth! It was painful for me to read your post--that's how things are when I am with my parents. Last year I drove to Florida to spend a week with them and from the instant I walked in the door, she started, "why did you dye your hair that color, I don't like it (I actually went back to my natural brunette color from the hideous fake blonde I'd been for too long!), to "oh god, another shower?" She was on me 24 hours a day, every move I made was ridiculed by her. Now imagine having your father there supporting all of this abuse. If I try to defend myself, he says "Don't talk to your mother that way." It's so stressful--I can feel my blood pressure going up the instant I know they're coming, so imagine how I feel while they are here. And of course, somewhat feeling guilty because I feel this way about them. They would be happier if I was a couch potato because then I'd be content to sit in the house all afternoon and entertain them. Instead, I'm thinking, "I could be outside playing tennis right now."

Renie,

I read your post and I saw that you use the word "abuse". And from your first post at the beginning I was thinking this is a form of psychological abuse. Heavy word to use when there is nothing physical but this can be very, very hard to take. Seems like they make you feel like a little child even though you are an adult. Looks like possessiveness on their part too.

The guilt does not come from you, the seed was probably planted by them and they use it to manipulate you. I'm not saying they do it consciously, but it's not an uncommon pattern.

Frankly, if your dad says "don't talk to your mother that way", there is only a limited range of answers:

- Take it or leave it.

- Then talk to me differently.

- If you don't like it go away.

- Ok, I'm off.

It's not easy if you have a lifetime of conditioning to be a "nice girl".

THEY have the problem, but perhaps you need some counselling on this to get rid of the seed of guilt in you, and the insecurity that tends to come with it.

You need to see this situation objectively, and you are probably too emotionally involved to do that on your own. Well I am not a counsellor/psychologist, I don't know if anyone on this board is, but I'm sure we all want to help.

In any case, I concur with other posters. You need to stand your ground, lay down your terms. There is, indeed, no point spending time with them if it is not a good time. (To which they would respond with "what you owe them", "what they have done for you", "gratitude", you are "cruel" because they are "too old to change", etc... GUILT TACTICS).

I've seen this before... and it does not have to be like that. Frankly, I would not even use tactics like that with my five-year old boy! At that age I already let him decide everything he can decide for himself, the clothes he wears, I won't even have his hair cut unless he wants it too. I'm not going to start criticizing his hairstyle 30 years from now!!!

It's difficult to assess the parenting of your own parents because it's the only one you have known as a child, by definition. But it does not have to be like that. Absolutely NOT.

You have a right to opt out, free of guilt. And you owe it to yourself. In some twisted way it may be the best thing you would do for them.

A practical suggestion would be this:

- Book a holiday somewhere far with someone else, a friend, whatever, or even on your own if you like being alone. Don't even mention it before they invite themselves to see you, or invite you to see them. When they tell you they're coming, then tell them "ok, have a good time, as for me I'll be in [Bahamas/Spain/Switzerland/whatever...] for the next four weeks".

(Adapt to your situation).

Don't even enter a discussion about this. Just do it.

This may be painful at first, but you need something like that that will stop them taking you for granted, they need to realize that you are not some sort of property of theirs, but a person exterior to them.

It's not a bad trip for a parent, in a healthy family it's a good feeling, but in their case they need to learn.

I look at my son grow up and I think he's cool, he has a great personality, I enjoy him becoming independent, thinking for himself. I am dad to him and I have to control certain things, mostly for his safety. But often I think that if I am a good dad he will want to spend time with me later, like a friend and yet being much more than that. I don't demand it or expect it. I just do my best to help him grow up and be himself (while being fully aware that I pass on stuff subconsciously). It's a great feeling. Your parents are depriving themselves of this feeling by being controlling and, to some extent, by suffocating you. If you stand your ground, they may realize this (I am being optimistic here). This thought may help you deal with the guilt which, again, does not belong to you but has been planted in you.

They have no right to make you feel guilty if you plan a whole holiday without them. Or anything else.

Vincent.

Renie,

I read your post and I saw that you use the word "abuse". And from your first post at the beginning I was thinking this is a form of psychological abuse. Heavy word to use when there is nothing physical but this can be very, very hard to take. Seems like they make you feel like a little child even though you are an adult. Looks like possessiveness on their part too.

The guilt does not come from you, the seed was probably planted by them and they use it to manipulate you. I'm not saying they do it consciously, but it's not an uncommon pattern.

Frankly, if your dad says "don't talk to your mother that way", there is only a limited range of answers:

- Take it or leave it.

- Then talk to me differently.

- If you don't like it go away.

- Ok, I'm off.

It's not easy if you have a lifetime of conditioning to be a "nice girl".

THEY have the problem, but perhaps you need some counselling on this to get rid of the seed of guilt in you, and the insecurity that tends to come with it.

You need to see this situation objectively, and you are probably too emotionally involved to do that on your own. Well I am not a counsellor/psychologist, I don't know if anyone on this board is, but I'm sure we all want to help.

In any case, I concur with other posters. You need to stand your ground, lay down your terms. There is, indeed, no point spending time with them if it is not a good time. (To which they would respond with "what you owe them", "what they have done for you", "gratitude", you are "cruel" because they are "too old to change", etc... GUILT TACTICS).

I've seen this before... and it does not have to be like that. Frankly, I would not even use tactics like that with my five-year old boy! At that age I already let him decide everything he can decide for himself, the clothes he wears, I won't even have his hair cut unless he wants it too. I'm not going to start criticizing his hairstyle 30 years from now!!!

It's difficult to assess the parenting of your own parents because it's the only one you have known as a child, by definition. But it does not have to be like that. Absolutely NOT.

You have a right to opt out, free of guilt. And you owe it to yourself. In some twisted way it may be the best thing you would do for them.

A practical suggestion would be this:

- Book a holiday somewhere far with someone else, a friend, whatever, or even on your own if you like being alone. Don't even mention it before they invite themselves to see you, or invite you to see them. When they tell you they're coming, then tell them "ok, have a good time, as for me I'll be in [Bahamas/Spain/Switzerland/whatever...] for the next four weeks".

(Adapt to your situation).

Don't even enter a discussion about this. Just do it.

This may be painful at first, but you need something like that that will stop them taking you for granted, they need to realize that you are not some sort of property of theirs, but a person exterior to them.

It's not a bad trip for a parent, in a healthy family it's a good feeling, but in their case they need to learn.

I look at my son grow up and I think he's cool, he has a great personality, I enjoy him becoming independent, thinking for himself. I am dad to him and I have to control certain things, mostly for his safety. But often I think that if I am a good dad he will want to spend time with me later, like a friend and yet being much more than that. I don't demand it or expect it. I just do my best to help him grow up and be himself (while being fully aware that I pass on stuff subconsciously). It's a great feeling. Your parents are depriving themselves of this feeling by being controlling and, to some extent, by suffocating you. If you stand your ground, they may realize this (I am being optimistic here). This thought may help you deal with the guilt which, again, does not belong to you but has been planted in you.

They have no right to make you feel guilty if you plan a whole holiday without them. Or anything else.

Vincent.




Vincent, I feel like I just went through a therapy session. That was intense--I can't tell you how valuable your response was. I know it is mental abuse, which is horrible because they can be very sweet one minute, and then very manipulative and hurtful the next. My father was physically abusive until I was 13. I know all of these things, but for some reason, it's not enough to alleviate the guilty and anger I feel. I have a son in his 30's and I would NEVER say anything to hurt him. I love him too much. He doesn't owe me anything--all I hope for is his love, and I have plenty of that. My parents have spent the last 30 years laying guilt on us--with comments like, "we haven't heard from you--we could be dead," or whenever they do something or give us $, it's "you never know when we'll need something," or now it's "you're going to give me a heart attack," or "your mother can't sleep." I know I'm not responsible for their issues/feelings/problems, but I still feel so stressed and like I said, I am the ONLY one in the family who exercises, and spends all my time learning and expanding my horizons, so I am the "selfish one," to them. If I say I have to hang up because I have homework, I hear, "Oh--you're still going to school, aren't you done yet?? If I have to practice the piano, , she'll say, "Oh you shouldn't have to practice, you should be perfect by now."

Your suggestion to take a trip has entered my mind many times, but why should I have to leave town? I have my outdoor pool here, tennis partner, I love it here in the summer but then there's always this dark cloud over half the summer knowing they're coming here. I may have to lie and say I took a second job on weekends. I hate to do that, but I don't want to let them drive me out of my own home because I can't stand up to them after all these years. Basically, this thread started because I feel guilty because I spend hours playing tennis, swimming and have to give it up for half my summer when they come up, and I feel very angry/guilty/conflicted. But I guess it goes way beyond just this issue. The bottom line is, anytime spent with them is painful.

Your son is very lucky to have such an evolved father who knows the meaning of parenting and unconditional love.

Thanks again!

Vincent, I feel like I just went through a therapy session. That was intense--I can't tell you how valuable your response was. I know it is mental abuse, which is horrible because they can be very sweet one minute, and then very manipulative and hurtful the next. My father was physically abusive until I was 13. I know all of these things, but for some reason, it's not enough to alleviate the guilty and anger I feel. I have a son in his 30's and I would NEVER say anything to hurt him. I love him too much. He doesn't owe me anything--all I hope for is his love, and I have plenty of that. My parents have spent the last 30 years laying guilt on us--with comments like, "we haven't heard from you--we could be dead," or whenever they do something or give us $, it's "you never know when we'll need something," or now it's "you're going to give me a heart attack," or "your mother can't sleep." I know I'm not responsible for their issues/feelings/problems, but I still feel so stressed and like I said, I am the ONLY one in the family who exercises, and spends all my time learning and expanding my horizons, so I am the "selfish one," to them. If I say I have to hang up because I have homework, I hear, "Oh--you're still going to school, aren't you done yet?? If I have to practice the piano, , she'll say, "Oh you shouldn't have to practice, you should be perfect by now."

Your suggestion to take a trip has entered my mind many times, but why should I have to leave town? I have my outdoor pool here, tennis partner, I love it here in the summer but then there's always this dark cloud over half the summer knowing they're coming here. I may have to lie and say I took a second job on weekends. I hate to do that, but I don't want to let them drive me out of my own home because I can't stand up to them after all these years. Basically, this thread started because I feel guilty because I spend hours playing tennis, swimming and have to give it up for half my summer when they come up, and I feel very angry/guilty/conflicted. But I guess it goes way beyond just this issue. The bottom line is, anytime spent with them is painful.

Your son is very lucky to have such an evolved father who knows the meaning of parenting and unconditional love.

Thanks again!

Renie,

I agree that you should not feel forced out of your home for the holiday, but if you do that to make a point to them, does it not become a choice, at least in part?

Also, it was just an example. It may just take doing something you really want to do despite their conflicting plans, just as long as it is sufficiently important to force them to reevaluate. Not seeing them one evening because you go out with a friend may not be enough (probably) because they can live with it, let it slip.

In a way, a crisis situation needs to be created to break this deadlock. Like when it feels stuffy and uncomfortably hot before a storm, but as soon as the rain falls the air becomes fresh and nice.

I'll also send you a private message because this is a bit personal I suppose...

Oh and... I'm glad if my post helped a bit.

Vincent.