I'm not one to bring personal stuff to an online board perse', but I know I'm not the only one that has gone through this...
You're unhappy in general and you don't know why? I'm married, and we have a beautiful little daughter who is 13months old. My wife and I are still in love and still make each other laugh after 2 1/2 years of marriage. But we've been together since 2000. It seems like I've gottten into this rut where I can't be proud of myself no matter what I do...I work out, eat right, and I'm a stay at home dad which is not easy and I get to watch out daughter grow up. So I can't figure it out. Why can't I be proud of myself, and how can I not be happy eventhough I'm happily married?

I think one of the things eating away at me is I've been working out since Jaunary and I'm still not cut. But that's just once peice :confused:

Thanks

I'm married, and we have a beautiful little daughter who is 13months old. My wife and I are still in love and still make each other laugh after 2 1/2 years of marriage. But we've been together since 2000.
Here's just a simple observation from someone who's been there. Think about what your life was like back in the year 2000. Probably a lot different from you life right now. My wife and I met in 1993 and by 1996 we were married and had our first child. So, in four years I went through the same life changes you did. All of that... living together, marriage, baby; those are all life altering events.

When you stack those so closely together, and go from relatively little responsibility to the responsibility of having a family with kids, you are going to have moments where you feel like life is so far out of control that it just can't be reeled back in. Remember that Talking Heads song... "and you may find yourself in a beautiful house with a beautiful wife and you may ask yourself, how did I get here?" That's a loaded statement, and he even forgot to mention the kids!

My daughter is now eight and I have a three year old son. My wife and I had found about a year of smooth sailing before we had our second kid, and then everything spun out of control again. We're just now finding stability again. For as difficult as all of those life changes can be, I could not imagine my life without having gone through them, and I'm stronger for having gone through them and coming out on top. Don't kid yourself... behind your daughter's beautiful smile is a lot of work and responsibility. Like we've seen in a couple of other threads this morning, though, the work you put into your marriage and child comes back around to you in time, it just takes a lot of patience.

BTW, congratulations on staying home with your daughter. I stayed home with my newborn son for a year and a half and it was very, very difficult. I look back on it now and wonder how I did it. As tough as it was, I'm glad that I did it and someday you'll look back on what is right now and be proud of yourself too. Just keep that in mind when things get tough.

Yeah Mick, I'll bet that is one piece. Some would say you have to fix one before the other (mind/body), I don't know though, cannot decide. I know one of my close friends is a personal trainer, and he goes as far as to try to help his clients address stress, depression, etc. before they jump into a cutting program.

Anyhow...

Sounds like you have a lot of reasons to be very happy, proud, and excited about each day. But I have been where you are, and no amount of stroking your ego and telling you to be happy will make a difference (at least this never helped me). One thing that helped me was getting a dog. Sounds kinda dumb maybe, but that helped a lot. He never stops "telling me" he loves me and licking me. When I started zoning out and just feeling sad or mad even, I'd look down and as usual he'd be there staring at me, like he knew my pain was there and wanted to stop it for me.

(I am way too corny.)

I get a little irritated sometimes by the enormous amount of people using drugs for depression (I mean from the doctor, not illegal drugs lol). But the fact is that there are people out there who benefit and can use Prozac or whatever. I was not one of these people, but I am close to a couple people like this. The body is a strange and interesting thing, and a small imbalance in one thing can throw you off (I think it's salt, or sugar, or something, that Lithium can fix for example, with those who are Bipolar). So, a trip to your family doc might be helpful. Just a thought.

Regarding your fatloss goals, keep visiting this forum, stay up to date on the Fat Loss forum, reasses your goals. Make new goals for 2005 even. If you can afford it, I highly recommend a personal trainer, even if only for a consultation. Personal trainers can do wonders even for guys who are already pretty good at what they do. Even Tony Robbins uses personal coaches and trainers, for fitness as well as business and relationship issues.

Make some goals and write them down. This will give you some meaning and hold you a little more accountable for your fatloss endeavors. Write down 4-5 things you WILL achieve by like June 2005. Tape it to your mirror in the bathroom and read them every morning and night. Tape them to your fridge so you see them before you go for that slice of cake!

Good luck my friend.
Chris

Mick I agree with the other guys. Being depressed is not fun and games. Far too many people make jokes about it, but for those of us that have suffered it, it can be devastating.

You have two great things on your side right now that a lot of people don't; a loving wife and a beautiful daughter. I know how hard it is to know this and yet still be depressed. I was married with four children, but yet I almost attempted suicide about (yes, almost attempted. The saying that most people don't want to commit suicide, but are yelling for help is true) 17 years ago. I really had everything to live for (which I can see clearly now), but I didn't realize it. One of the best things you can do to help yourself, is to cuddle up with your daughter and look into her eyes. You will find the greatest love and respect in those eyes. When I started doing that with my kids, my life changed forever.

You can do it.
:gl:

Thanks to both of you for the replies. I was just sitting on the stationary bike doing my cardio and I was thinking, I'm still not happy and I have no clue why. I have no idea why I can't be proud of myself. That's what it boils down to. My life a few years ago was a lot different! I was into partying and clubbing. I was into the Goth scene and eventhough I really found beauty in at the time, I am glad I'm more of a family man now. I think one thing I need to do is poss. get a hair cut b/c I look in the mirror at times and think, damn, my hair looks rough man!

I have prayed on this a lot actually. What I "got" was [DO THINGS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF!]

Like if I got all of my housework done and stayed off the computer.

that's just an example.

As when I tried my hand at real estate. Even though I wasn't making money, I was constantly on the phone with potential sellers working my ass off! I was always searching out new properties. The result wasn't monetary(sp) but my stuttering deminished a hella lot b/c my self confidence went through the roof!

food for thought huh :)

Yeah, I feel that way all the time.

There are usually complicated emotional reasons that are tough to figure out, but easier to talk out if you have somebody to listen.

But I also think that, when it really bothers you, there are usually simple physical reasons that press the issue, and dealing with them can take off a lot of pressure. If I didn't get enough sleep, pulled a muscle, drank too much caffeine, ate poorly, or were dehydrated, among a bunch of other things, it's likely I'll be in a foul mood.

I remember one downturn I had a year or so ago only ended when I got a new mattress, and I realized, from its alleiviation, just how much my back had been aching (which can feel a lot like heartache).

Yeah, it sounds silly, but do an inventory. See if there's anything basic wrong you can fix before you move on to the more complicated stuff.

Thanks. We are actually getting a new mattress for Winter Solstice. Our back aches(sp) a lot when we first get up in the morning.

Why can't I be proud of myself, and how can I not be happy eventhough I'm happily married? Thanks

Below my signature is some real important words. The first sentence points out we need to know what are the big things and the small things in life. Getting cut is a small thing compared to family and love. The second sentence comes from the only psychiatrist that knows what he is talking about. It points out that we choose to react to externals, we can always choose to depress, anger, laugh, etc. at externals. We determine our reactions, not the externals.

Smile man and try the haircut. :D BTW: It took you many years to get in your present shape, I bet you will see results in time.

Mick..
YOu say you pray alot about it.. I take it you might go to church ? if so maybe it's time you do a little volunteer work for the church??? Maybe some youth group stuff.. Something that will make you feel like you've done something..good..
To be honest.. as much I think it's great you can stay at home..A man needs to feel like he is the bread winner..the supportor.. It's a male thing.. If I was a stay at home husband.. I would be finding other things to do to feel like what I'm doing is helping...Not that watching a 13 month old isn't work..and alot of it.. but because you have these feelings means it's not enough.. The church will help with day care or will let you bring him/her along..

Back ground... I've been married 30 years and been with her 33-34 years.. raised 3 kids while we were raising ourselfs..All gone now.. I play guitar in two worship bands at church and work at home.. But I also feel something is missing alittle.. I think I would like to have another child..Heck I'm only 47 :) but I feel the need!
Having the kids gone isn't what it's cracked up to be :)...

To be honest.. as much I think it's great you can stay at home..A man needs to feel like he is the bread winner..the supportor.. It's a male thing.. If I was a stay at home husband.. I would be finding other things to do to feel like what I'm doing is helping...Not that watching a 13 month old isn't work..and alot of it.. but because you have these feelings means it's not enough..
No, no. I highly disagree with this. Maybe feeling like you need to be the bread winner is your thing, but it's not my thing, so don't call it a male thing, please.

Maybe so ...we are just from a different era's I guess....

I tend to find such feelings come and go. Thats life. Sometimes your up, sometimes your down. Sometimes you have a reason to be down, sometimes you dont. Thats life.

Its easier to climb down the valley then to climb up the mountain. But no one ever became famous for climbing DOWN a mountain. Sir Edmund Hillary never rolled down everest did he ? That would be too easy, and thus not much of an achievement. It was an uphill jourey that Hillary is remembered for and made him who he is. Why do you think the elliptical is uphill ? Because it is the uphill journeys that make us stronger, fitter, give us a sense of achivement and help us get nearer to who we want to be.

The same is true of lifes uphill journeys. Youre down right now bro. But when you pull yourself up, even if you dont know how you came to be down in the first place, you will have achieved something. It might be one look from your daughter, a fitness goal achieved, a windfall, a memory, maybe even just a "moment"... and then you will be at the top, looking down, thinking how small everything at the bottom of the mountain is. You will look down the valley to where you were and think "How small and insignificant everything down there looks". All those problems and worries that were down there, keeping you down, now that your up at the top of the mountain, look like tiny little dots. Its hard to see that now, but once your up, you will see. Thats all they are. Tiny little dots.

Hold something an inch from your eyes, and you wont be able to see what it is. Move it further away and it becomes clearer. Move it too far, and it disappears. Thats what im talking about. You cant see the problems right now. But the more you pick yourself up, the easier it will be to see those problems, and thus the easier it will be to deal with them, and thus you'll climb even higher, until the problems are so far gone, they have disappeared.

Alls you need is Hope, Faith and Love. Hang in there mate. :)

I go through those periods now and then.. I went through a real severe depression in college, (A lot of it was brought on by a head injury), and needed to be put on anti-depressants. I no longer deal well with extreme change. I'm a person who likes a routine, although I realize "life" is nothing but a routine. When we got our second foster child, I went pretty low. It WAS a good thing to get a new baby, although it changed things a LOT, and completly put my attempt to 'get in shape' on hold. Granted it sounds petty and selfish, but that is my outlet and it helps me a LOT if I can go and work out probably more mentally than physically. I'm sure a lot of it was environmental, in that I didnt get much sleep! Granted I got back in track, but I didnt think I'd ever make it back to gym again! During the winter months I often get seasonal depression, and have to get some sun artificially through the tanning bed.

Even check things like your diet, and make sure you are making time for yourself!!

I go through those periods now and then.. I went through a real severe depression in college, (A lot of it was brought on by a head injury), and needed to be put on anti-depressants. I no longer deal well with extreme change. I'm a person who likes a routine, although I realize "life" is nothing but a routine. When we got our second foster child, I went pretty low. It WAS a good thing to get a new baby, although it changed things a LOT, and completly put my attempt to 'get in shape' on hold. Granted it sounds petty and selfish, but that is my outlet and it helps me a LOT if I can go and work out probably more mentally than physically. I'm sure a lot of it was environmental, in that I didnt get much sleep! Granted I got back in track, but I didnt think I'd ever make it back to gym again! During the winter months I often get seasonal depression, and have to get some sun artificially through the tanning bed.

Even check things like your diet, and make sure you are making time for yourself!!


this is great. Thanks for the suggestions. As far as my diet, the only thing that has really changed is I cut down on the amount of carbs I'm having. I've read somewhere, where someone asked why do so many ppl. like johns site...WELL FELLA'S, THIS IS WHY. we can't see oneanother, but we are a community.

Mick..
YOu say you pray alot about it.. I take it you might go to church ? if so maybe it's time you do a little volunteer work for the church??? Maybe some youth group stuff.. Something that will make you feel like you've done something..good..
To be honest.. as much I think it's great you can stay at home..A man needs to feel like he is the bread winner..the supportor.. It's a male thing.. If I was a stay at home husband.. I would be finding other things to do to feel like what I'm doing is helping...Not that watching a 13 month old isn't work..and alot of it.. but because you have these feelings means it's not enough.. The church will help with day care or will let you bring him/her along..

Back ground... I've been married 30 years and been with her 33-34 years.. raised 3 kids while we were raising ourselfs..All gone now.. I play guitar in two worship bands at church and work at home.. But I also feel something is missing alittle.. I think I would like to have another child..Heck I'm only 47 :) but I feel the need!
Having the kids gone isn't what it's cracked up to be :)...

Thanks for the suggestions about getting involved in church which I am. We are having a work day tomorrow. Wood cutting, and such. My teacher say's this a lot and this basically exactly what you're saying..."get out of self".

As far as the bread winner theroy, I find that if I stay busy, this isn't a problem

"Bread Winner" is such a strange idiom. Was there ever a bread-related lottery?

Work is a great thing to use to fight your demons ("idle hands are the devil's playground"), but if there is something deeper, resting and getting it off of your chest can be just as useful. It takes experience to know which is appropriate for you, when. You have to learn how you react to stuff in order to change your reactions.

That's the toughest part about being sad. In order to get good at dealing with it, you usually need to spend a fair amount of time sad. Not a problem with the human condition and all, of course, but still tragic - the root of tragedy, really.

Are you creative at all? Might seem an odd question, but stay with me.

I go through this (and, am in fact going through a month-long bout as we speak) and it bugs the hell out of me. Especially as someone who prides themself on being 'in tune' with their emotional status. I can't put my finger on it....

But what I do know is that a lot of it for me is the build up of 'pressure' (however you want to interpret that) in my life, and I have no outlet. The ebb and flow do not equal each other, and my balance is out of whack. Especially w/ my creativitiy...if I don't find an emotional/creative outlet I tend to get, cough, stopped-up and ultimately get cranky and uneasy about life in general.

It's not the cause. It's not the answer, but it does help. Kinda like draining a blister, ya know?

Just my 2 pennies. I feel your pain though.

Thanks again to all for the replies and help. I seen my teacher yesterday. As I said, we we're having a work day and afterwards we sweated. ([sweat lodge] a native american ceremony much like a church service where you have the leader of the ceremony, a singer and we are all asked to pray) I talked to him before the sweat and told him for some reason I'm just not happy...He said we have been working on this thing for the last 4 years. Journal, journal, journal! You can't fix the outside until you fix the inside.

Again, thank you all for your assistance...

p.s.
Do you think it's possible that my fatloss could be slowed b/c this emotional stuff isn't resolved yet? That's what I get when I think about it. There's more to it than that I can tell b/c it seems very intangible at this point.

p.s.
Do you think it's possible that my fatloss could be slowed b/c this emotional stuff isn't resolved yet? That's what I get when I think about it. There's more to it than that I can tell b/c it seems very intangible at this point.
YES, absolutely.

There are direct reasons that I am not up-to-date on at the moment, but just think about the indirect and side effects that could be happening. Lack of sleep which could prevent muscle growth or repair for example. Lack of energy to train hard, or no desire to put 100% effort into a training session, a cardio session, or even your diet. How many people complain of depression and then go hit the ice cream!!?

I do think that this could be a reason for an enormous setback with your fatloss goals.

Being sad/depressed lowers testosterone.