1. When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean
switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

2. The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All
other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note: placing a paw print in
the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor do I find it
aesthetically pleasing in any way.)

3. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack.Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
because I fall faster than you can run.

4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Locate your inner
beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up in a
ball. So it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other,stretched
out to the fullest extent possible.

5. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

6. For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it won't
help to claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. (Trust me, I have been
using the bathroom for years.. Canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)

7. When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make
a sudden leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone or jingle ball on
my crotch, no matter how much that makes other family members laugh.

8. Dog: Don't think for a minute that making a sad face and
whimpering pathetically will get you out of trouble when I find a puddle of
pee on the carpet. The face and the whimpering only validate that you knew
it was wrong when you did it.

9. Cat: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal for
you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most disgusting
hairball in history.

10. Dog and Cat: The proper order is kiss me, then go lick yourself. I cannot stress this enough.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front
door.
Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and complain about our pets:

1. They live here; you don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my pet better than I like most people.

4. To you it's an animal. To me, it's my child who
is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech-challenged.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, are
easier to train, usually come when called, don't ask for money, never
drive your car, don't hang out with losers, don't drink or smoke, don't
worry about the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes and don't need a gazillion dollars for college. And if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

LOL, and Amen - particularly to "Rules for Non-pet owners". They were here first. Deal with it or feel free to leave!

I'd like to add to #2:

To my cat: My putting the dinner plate out of your immediate reach while I go and get that drink I forgot or go to the bathroom is in no way meant to challenge you to go to greater lengths to eat off of my plate when I'm out of the room!

My cat does this. She knows it's wrong, but she's a glutton with absolutely zero patience. She's even tried to snag food while I was going to fetch her her cat treats. Anyhoo, funny list :D

9. Cat: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal for you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most disgusting
hairball in history.

10. Dog and Cat: The proper order is kiss me, then go lick yourself. I cannot stress this enough.

it's funny because it's true.

11. cat: once you've succeeded in destroying all of my upholstered furniture with your claws, you've only ensured that the replacements will be claw-proof. then what are you gonna do, you stinker?

ok, not very funny, but he just gouged the hell out of my sweats-clad right leg thinking it was a scratching post (which I've purchased before; these go willfully unused). time to trim the damned things again... I know, I could have him de-clawed but to me that's no different than having my fingertips amputated, so I won't do that to him. I just need to make better decisions about furniture :)

born sleepy, I seem to remember a product to cap cats' claws, they were basically soft plastic-like covers that fit securely over them (because honestly, I know that some cats can still wreak havoc even without razor sharp claws. Clipping doesn't always solve the problem). Maybe you should look into that and see if they're still made.

OMG, that's funny as all hell... :lol:

I would love to be a dog or a cat. If you put aside being neutered (sp?), imagine how much fun it'd be to annoy humans all the time, and then simply rolling over to get them to scratch your belly...

:claphigh: too funny :)

born sleepy, I seem to remember a product to cap cats' claws, they were basically soft plastic-like covers that fit securely over them (because honestly, I know that some cats can still wreak havoc even without razor sharp claws. Clipping doesn't always solve the problem). Maybe you should look into that and see if they're still made.

Softpaws, a great concept but we found they were both expensive and entirely dependent and the temperment of the cat in question. Our older, kinder, sweeter cat doesn't mind getting her claws clipped and therefore was fine when we tried to apply the plastic covers (you glue them on). Our younger cat, who I can only describe as a fat, mean, and dirty (refuses to use the litterbox but is happy to use the 4 feet area surrounding the litterbox) required a level of danger in applying the covers that just wasn't worth our lives.

So they scratch everything and we yell at them...and they stop. Until they start doing it again. This is the status quo until we get new furniture. They are too old to declaw and we have moral compunctions about declawing in general.

HOWEVER, maybe our new puppy arriving next month will scare them into obedience. He is a Goldendoodle, a golden retriever and standard poodle mix. He'll probably increase the destruction, but it'll be worth it.

Well...with the holiday season upon us again, I find myself walking through the retail stores admiring all of the different decorations. Knowing that this will be yet another year without a Christmas tree, because I know that it would be pointless to put one up with the two cats. They've never seen a Christmas tree, and at almost 3 years old now(I haven't had one since I brought them both home as kittens), I'm sure that they would love to have a ladder to climb so that they could finally get up on the mantle over the fireplace(they haven't figured out that they could jump up there easilly). I miss having the tree, and the lites, and the decorations...but when I see the two of them, and how they get along with each other(they're inseperable), and how they play...not having a tree is a small price to pay for the happiness they bring me all year long.
On the plus side...I'm able to escape the commecialism of the holidays somewhat.

thanks for the tip about Soft Claws/Paws/whatever. I'm gonna try them out.

plus I just want to see that big fat orange & white meatloaf with purple toenails :lol: